The worst presents to receive on Valentine’s

To brighten the mood this Valentine’s, here’s 9 of the worst presents you could receive, guaranteed to make whatever shit you get seem so much better.

1. Chlamydia

You can’t have a cliché list about bad presents without the classic STI joke. Imagine getting the test results back on Valentine’s, or even worse, actually catching the clap – thought you got lucky? Think again.

2. A lock of hair

Because who doesn’t want a piece of someone else with them EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY? Really next level creepy this one, guaranteed to make any reasonable human being run a mile faster than you can say ‘I’ve got chains in my basement’. Made so much worse if the hair isn’t from the head.

love is creepy when it involves hair

3. Service station flowers

Nothing says ‘I don’t give that much of a shit I just want to sleep with you’ like service station flowers. Slightly wilted, soggy, and still with the price tag on, these beauties are a staple at funerals and christenings across the world. Often accompanied by a late arrival, overly slicked hair and a suit so shiny it doubles up as a mirror.

4. A cheap teddy bear

Teddy bears are generally quite tacky, impractical and a little creepy when the recipient is over the age of 12, but can be allowed if they’re soft and mean something. Cheap teddy bears, much like the suggestion above, don’t mean anything, and scream of thoughtlessness and repressed Freudian tendencies.

This picture literally makes no sense, but seemed to fit the point quite nicely

5. A break-up text

Break-ups really suck, and there’s nothing worse than having to watch the rest of the world pretend they’re in love while you lie in bed crying at re-runs of Seinfeld wishing you could be swallowed up by the Earth. If you’re contemplating on an imminent break-up, maybe steer clear of the 14th Feb.

6. A meal at Browns

Browns has really gone to the dogs in recent times. Not cheap, and the staff are very good at acting like you don’t deserve to be there despite paying way over the odds for a mediocre fish and chips. Admittedly there are probably worse presents, but this place really does suck.

Once great, now fallen. The Rio Ferdinand of Oxford restaurants.

7. A ‘Neknomination’

With a bit of luck these painfully unfunny videos will no longer be plaguing our newsfeeds in a weeks time. Unfortunately however there will undoubtedly still be some sad fuck, 3 weeks late to the party, who thinks it’s fucking hilarious to dress up as a Spartan and pour beer, eggs and whatever else he has in his shitty student flat all over his head for the sake of being a ‘great bloke’. All you have to do is hope he doesn’t finish this odd ritual by pointing into the camera and declaring your name.

Drinking a beer in your underwear – Not cool since February 2014

8. An unwanted pregnancy

Kids are great, apparently, but if you aren’t planning on having one they can really be a bummer. Thus, your other half telling you she’s preggers on valentines, 2 months before your finals, isn’t the ideal news. Double-bag now to avoid misery later.

9. A book voucher

What do most Oxford students stare at 5 hours a day 7 days a week? Books. In the holidays books may regain the status of being an object of enjoyment, but during term time anything with words is immediately anathema. Steer clear.