Oxford Spanks Cambridge In Porn Viewing
But don’t rub it in, they last longer
Sam MaywoodThe Tab’s investigative journalism department, not satisfied with revealing Oxford students to be three times hornier than Tabs, has now discovered that Oxonians watch more porn too, but finish sooner.
Stats released by notorious porn hub PornHub and obtained this organ, show the average Oxford resident views a mighty 6.87 pages of porn per session, whereas citizens of Cambridge manage only a paltry 6.84.
Patriotic porn for patriotic procrasturbators
As befitting two historic institutions with diversity problems, the most common search term was “British” with “Who’s nailing Palin” star and self proclaimed “Most Popular Porn Star in The World” Lisa Ann coming in second.
However age-old rivalries were laid bare with Cambridge members preferring “lesbians” to “MILFs”, but Oxford, appropriately, recognised the importance of age, preferring “MILFs”.
It’s not all good news for Oxonian onanists, although lasting almost a minute longer than the world average Cambridge wins the varsity bishop bashing contest by 10 seconds with a handy time of 9 minutes and 50 second, proving once and for a that Tabs truly are bigger wankers.
Scientifically proven to be massive wankers
All is not lost as Durham, Bristol and St Andrews once again prove themselves second best to Oxbridge hegemony, lasting a limp 9:32, 9:38 and 9:22 respectively
Hydro Flask
Oxford student who died celebrating end of exams said uni was ‘the best period of my life’
Emily SmithThe first year PPE student has been named
A man has been arrested after stalking Emma Watson as she studies at the University of Oxford
He came to the UK with only a sleeping bag, £800, and a desire to ‘gain information’ about the actress
Omg, Emma Watson is currently dating one of her coursemates at the University of Oxford
They were pictured getting a Gail’s together in Oxford
University of Oxford issues statement after first year student dies in river
Phoebe KowhaiThe 19-year-old had ‘dived’ into the river to celebrate the end of his exams
Oxford University student dies in river whilst celebrating end of exams
The 19-year-old was wearing ‘academic dress’ at the time
Oxford student unlocks door in halls to find a terrifying devil room complete with blood
He’s been living next to it for an entire YEAR
Oxford University rises in new world university ranking to narrowly beat Cambridge
The university now ranks third in the world overall
Students launch encampment in solidarity with Palestine at The University of Oxford
Tents have been pitched outside the Pitt Rivers and Natural History Museums
Omg guys, Jacob Elordi is going to Oxford University in October to study English
Lydia Spencer-ElliottHe fell in love with the campus while filming Saltburn
Oxford Uni lecturer stalked by man who flew 4,000 miles to her with a can of pepper spray
He sent his bags to her office and wanted her to ‘be his Valentine’
Oxford Uni chaplain who compared sex offenders to ‘puppies needing training’ given welfare role
He asked one student assault victim if they were ‘aware of the effect they had on men’, but has now secured a post at another college
These are the subjects you need to study at Oxbridge to more than double your grad salary
In one subject, studying it at Oxbridge over any other uni will get you £47k more per year
Oxford University College offers students a Halal menu option but it includes… red wine
One student said she was ‘sadly not surprised’ at the mistake
Two of Emma Watson’s lecturers at The University of Oxford have successfully sued the uni
Emma Watson studies on Oxford’s creative writing course
So, people are rinsing Oxford students for dancing at a ball and it’s low-key really mean
A Ceilidh is a huge part of Scottish culture
Oxford University Vice-Chancellor with £232k salary says grads should be donating to their uni
Was my £9k a year not enough!
Two of Emma Watson’s lecturers at Oxford are suing the university for unfair dismissal
The lecturers also compared their situation to the Post Office scandal
Oxford uni called ‘patronising’ for job advice despite banning its students from working
Oxford’s policy on part-time jobs reads: ‘Term-time employment is not permitted except under exceptional circumstances’
Students from two Oxford colleges are throwing Saltburn themed parties this term
One of them is Felix and Oliver’s actual college from the film
Students at University of Oxford housed in four-star hotels due to a lack of accommodation
One of the hotels costs up to £150 a night and has an indoor pool and spa
Where the MAFS UK 2024 weddings were filmed, and how rich you’d have to be to get married there
Claudia CoxIf it’s good enough for royalty, then it’s good enough for MAFS
An expert explains why the TikTok ick list trend could be ruining your relationship
Sofia AiraDon’t listen to Love Is Blind – ick lists are bad!
The tragic amounts it costs to go to the highest achieving UK private schools in 2024
Apparently being rich makes you better at GCSEs
Say it ain’t so! All the MAFS UK 2024 couples who have already hinted they’ve split
Hayley SoenI fear the final vows is going to be a sad and empty place
Explained: The insane viral TikTok drama of the fake Crumbl Sydney cookie pop-up
Harrison BrocklehurstThe actual founder of Crumbl cookies had to speak out against it
Which university is the ugliest in the UK? Vote now to make it official
The Russell Group unis need their egos to be deflated a bit
‘The fight continues’: All of the statements P Diddy has made while being in prison
P Diddy and his lawyers have issued many statements since his arrest on the 16th of September
He wouldn’t stop bragging about it, so how rich is art dealer Leo Braudy from Love Is Blind?
Ellie RingHis Rolex speaks for itself
Following Fool Me Once, Netflix releases first look at new Harlan Coben drama coming very soon
Missing You has Richard Armitage in the cast, of course
Petition to remove Alex from MAFS UK amid abuse allegations has reached over 2000 signatures
The petition calls on Channel 4 to delete all his scenes and release a statement
Denzel Washington ‘stormed out’ of a P Diddy party after fight: ‘You don’t respect anyone’
A source claimed Denzel saw ‘something’ he didn’t like
Okay, here’s how to find the actually life-changing new Spotify Offline Backup feature
It literally gives you hundreds of songs to listen to when you’ve got no internet connection!?
Eve has already been dating someone new for MONTHS since quitting MAFS UK 2024
She didn’t wait around!
Omg, tonight’s intruder bride Amy dated Arthur from last year but ditched him to film MAFS
Apparently she ‘disappeared’ without warning for three months to film for the series
Everything Charlie’s said about ‘triggering’ MAFS UK episode that saw her leave the show
‘The truth always comes out in the end’
Brittany and Leo explain what happened with them and why they got ditched from Love Is Blind
Give me all the gossip about their Miami trip
Here’s what Eve and Charlie did after dramatically quitting MAFS UK 2024
Charlie jetted off on a solo holiday to start her ‘healing journey’
No, the online allegations against P Diddy assaulting Jaden Smith are completely false
A video of Jaden crying has recently gone viral
Inside Millie Bobby Brown’s lavish wedding, and how much it costs to get married there
Jon Bon Jovi might need to make a Greatest Hits album to fund all four dresses
Age gaps and cheating claims: Inside Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher’s marriage
You already thought they were problematic? Just you wait
Lana Del Rey comments on her shock wedding to gator guide Jeremy Dufrene for first time
‘Stop photoshopping my wedding ring – we’re very happy’