Nine ways to club better in Hilary

Last term you had a lot of poor nights out. You got there too late, too early, went to the wrong club, were with the wrong people, got too fucked or didn’t drink enough. This term it will all be different.

Antonio Banteras, Varsity beer drinker 2014

1. Make friends with the bouncers / people on the door

In reality, no one likes to queue like a regular shitmuncher, so find a friendly bouncer or more realistically a Hannah YOLOSQUARED and stroll into clubs for the rest of your uni career.

2. Become a DJ

Think about it, everyone complains that the music in Oxford clubs is terrible. But if you were in charge, you could legitimately force the three other people who were kind enough to see your 9.30pm set to listen to your tunes.  Think GCSE year house party, but with less Lynx and more Bondax (or is it the other way round?).

Professional Douchebag – it could be you

3. Make friends with rich people who like to buy drinks

Oxford is literally overflowing with rich people and their incidental generosity is not to be passed up.  Find them, befriend them, drink with them – it’s for a good cause, honestly.

4. Be smart in Bridge

In Bridge, everyone is a VIP, even you: stroll in casually and you’re suddenly amongst all the BNOCs, only to realise that you can’t afford more than one round. How to remedy the extortionate drinks prices? The worst kept secret in Oxford: Anuba. So fucking cheap you’ll feel like Rick Ross down there – so pretend your droopy rolly is a Cuban cigar and splash the cash around. It’s where dreams are made.

Rick Ross, a regular in Bridge’s smoking area

5. Stop going to park end, unless you want to lose everyone you arrived with.  In which case, go more often.

The never-ending labyrinth of Parkers puts off many but it has a subtle charm (in the same way that scratching an itch does – feels almost good at the time only to leave you unsightly and in pain later). Seriously, unless you’re a member of a sports team or you’ve come from a crew date, you should not be seen there on a Wednesday, or any other day of the week for that matter.

 6. Try a Brookes night

While they may seem uncouth, Brookes students do know how to have a good time, so go on, if you think you’re ‘ard enuff – stroll in, wave your bod card in the air for a bit, quote some Voltaire and see how long you last.

7. For Christ’s sake pull some different faces in photos

You know that stern, cheeks sucked in look you think goes so well with your new All Saints deep V-neck? Yeah, not working. And who could forget the timeless classic for the girls? Neck tilted, lips pouted, awkwardly pressed up alongside a line of your mates like livestock, squatting to accommodate each other’s heels.

Instead of trying to lure in the opposite sex with your seductive faces, why not smile, you might like it – on top of that, science has proven that it can help to reduce morning after self loathing by up to 40% when compared to the droopy eyed duck face.

The girl on the right isn’t quite getting it

8. There are more than four places to drink in Oxford, and some of them are actually fun

Ever heard of Vinnies? You’d be surprised by how many people haven’t. Find a friend who plays sports, and go get pissed on the cheap. Equally, some of the college bars do outrageous drinks deals – perfect for pre-drinking and sharking that post grad you drunkenly bumped into at matriculation.

9. Stop going to nights you don’t like and then complaining about it

If you really love listening to S Club over and over again whilst pacing a sticky floored jaeger den then do it and be happy. Likewise, if your idea of heaven is pacing in and out of the smoking area at the Bully compulsively asking everyone you’re with if they’ve ‘come up’ yet, stick at it. Hating either one in preference of the other is fine, but moaning about how shit somewhere is to other people who are there just ruins their fun. In other words, be a considerate clubber.