Oxford Nightlife is Proof We’re No Better than Brookes Students

Oxford represents an historic institution that provides young Brits with an education that lays the foundations for future success. Think Pimm’s, rowing boats, and tutorials with well-renowned yet odorous professors. The reality: A student lifestyle no different than every other university’s binge culture.

How Oxford once looked on Windows 95

Talking to God on the great white telephone

Don’t believe me? Look at your typical week on the town.

Tuesday Camera: Jocks wearing nothing but sports blazers. (Yeah, they’re in sports blazers. But they’re still pretty much naked.)

Thursday at Babylove: Hipsters and art students dancing to “I’m sexy and I know it” after  critiquing Marxist theory at the bar.

Any night outside Bridge: Over-dressed girls chundering into a gutter.

Wherever you go, Oxford nightlife is both bizarre and messy. An average student night out at Oxford makes the cast of Jersey Shore look like a bunch of amateurs.

No no no, you’re doing it all wrong

Oxford students consider themselves part of the “respectable” classes (superior to the benefit-dependent and morally deprived plebeians that make up the bulk of the population). But what we really want is to get royally plastered and forget about an overdue essay.

Of course, clubbing is a good laugh. Clubbing is fun because it’s a return to primitiveness, a strange courting ritual only made possible in the modern day by a combination of alcohol abuse and dark, sweaty rooms filled by menial music that drowns out our inevitably pathetic small-talk and legitimises shameful acts that are otherwise socially tabooed. In many ways, clubbing is a necessary evil.

But being a necessary evil doesn’t make the blazered toffs of Camerah or the bourgeois hipsters of Baby-we-love-ourselves any better than the cast of The Only Way is Essex, let alone the pinnacle of humanity.

Babylove: No better than the cast of Towie

Any way you look at it, clubbing epitomises society’s most unpleasant aspects: hedonism, superficiality, misogyny—and we’re all guilty of promoting the worst parts of society.