Feeling phonesick?

It might function well as a doorstop and only play ringtones that sound like a Game Boy game, but surely nothing can beat the old school cool of the trusty late-90s Nokia you’ve been secretly pining for since they stopped showing Kenan and Kel. Here’s why.

Nobody could resist the lure of feeding the snake, or more accurately chasing a dot around using a line that couldn’t touch itself. The highest score conveyed instant playground kudos and it’s provided the benchmark for addictive phone games ever since. There is an app version that claims to have 2 million downloads, but it’s full of gimmicks and ‘zany’ rule changes presumably designed to pander to the 4OD generation. Nice try Jobs et al. but there’s nothing quite like the original.

The ultimate in retrocrastination

The return of aviators, Christmas jumpers and leggings all point in one direction. You heard it here first, old things are cool and soon nothing will be cooler than having a ‘vintage’ mobile. Fair enough, the nineties might not have been the height of fashion and Apple churn out some achingly beautiful things, but have you seen any of their Geniuses? James Dean they ain’t and Kurt Cobain never owned a Blackberry.

The Nokia 3310: A design classic

First of all it’s probably best to point out that The Tab in no way condones or encourages violence, it’s most likely that when the surly oik in the jogging bottoms realises you’re not carrying the latest pocket-sized supercomputer he’ll leave you alone. But if it comes down to it what would you rather tackle an assailant with, the latest touch screen frippery or a fine piece of lovingly crafted Finnish engineering? Probably best to steer clear of anybody wielding a blender though…

You don’t have to be Amish to sometimes pine for the good old days. Days when you were free at 3 o’clock to break out the Pokemon Cards, Tamagotchis, Beyblades or Crash Bandicoot. Days when school let you watch TV every afternoon. When you were faced with kindly old ladies bearing colouring books, Sunny Delight gave you the only buzz you needed and an e-mail was a novelty. Now it’s all deadlines, waking up feeling like an extra from Trainspotting and the daily grind of forty million e-mails a day. No thanks old(er) age, you can keep it.

Yes, ditching the smartphone will get you friends. That’s a Tab guarantee. We’re growing into a generation that taps, swipes and flicks away instead of engaging in hallowed traditions. Would Britain be the world-leading darts nation it is if the likes of Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor had been herding virtual cattle instead of sinking pints and throwing arrows? And we can bring the great pub debate back from the grave if we act quickly. Is that annoying singing kid from the Frosties advert really a cancer patient/suicidal/holed up in South Africa? Could a sumo wrestler beat an Orangutan in a Tug of War? These were once the cue for scribbled calculations and angry accusations that moved the bonds of friendship beyond the realms of a shared appreciation of alcohol. Now they’re merely the precursor for a quick skim of wikipedia or youtube. It’s just not the same.