7 things to do instead of voting in the OUSU elections today

The OUSU election is upon us! Did any of you notice? No? Do any of you care? No? Well at least youʼre not in a minority. No one cares about the election for the pointless and redundant institution that is OUSU. So, The Tab has helpfully provided you with a list of things to do instead of voting for next yearʼs OUSU irrelevant head President.

1. Deface an Oxstu or Cherwell

Let’s face it, you don’t read it anyway. You flick through to look at Fit College and judge ugly people. You’ll read a play review if you’re in it and skim an article if your friend wrote it. So why not take advantage of the fact your college paid a fortune for it and have a little fun. Cover your copy in penises and pussies coz that’s what goes best with a pile of wank.

The Tab thinks: anything you add is probably an improvement.

2.Vote for something important

Look, if you really want to cast a ballot today, make sure itʼs done for something important. Vote for something thatʼs really going to make a difference to the world and which will measurably improve the happiness of all mankind. Yes, thatʼs right, weʼre talking about the now-legendary ʻbodz in quadzʼ competition. Is Gui from Regentʼs Park hot or not? The future is in the balance as you decide.

The Tab thinks: There is no civic duty more important.

3. Have a danger wank

The premise of this is simple. If you hear someone coming down your corridor knocking on doors trying to remind you to vote for Westbury/the other one then you need to drop your pants and knock one out before they arrive, keeping the door unlocked. Careful though, because if youʼre caught, not only will you have to suffer the shame of a stranger seeing you in an…ahem…ʻintimateʼ position of self-adoration, but youʼll end up  being coaxed into actually voting for an OUSU candidate. This is made particularly difficult when thinking about any OUSU member would dry out the Atlantic Sea and soften The Eiffel Tower.

The Tab thinks: Doing this sort of thing under pressure is difficult, but impressive. This is particularly advised for voyeurs and risk-takers. Good luck carrying this one off.

4.Watch the clock

Do it. Youʼll gain a full appreciation of how much time you might have wasted had you voted in the OUSU election. Youʼll also waste that time yourself by watching a clock, but at least youʼll know the true value of two minutes the next time OUSU holds an election.

The Tab thinks: We all need some time to sit alone and reflect on the transience of humanity. Or think about that hot girl six doors down.

5. Practise international cock or ball in front of the mirror

Being a first-division player of this game will make you a legend in College. Why not get some practice in? One undefeated champion said ‘for a quick and easy way of improving your game add Regaine to your shaft and Veet to your balls, that way they’ll never guess.’ Girls, you just sit back and admire your boobs. Honestly, if us boys had them weʼd never need to leave the house. Or set up a new female friendly version of the game, ‘Tit or Clit’ perhaps.

The Tab thinks: Is it cock or is it ball? We just don’t know readers – we just don’t know.

Is it cock or is it ball?

6. Wash your hair

Youʼll end up getting more done than OUSU will in a whole year, and youʼll leave the shower with a beautiful sense of achievement (something OUSU will never provide, not even to the successful candidates in todayʼs election). Also, your hair will smell nice.

The Tab thinks: Youʼll feel all refreshed in a way that the #refreshousu campaign can only dream of.

7. Boil the kettle

When this writer suggested doing this with a friend tomorrow at 12pm, she said it would be ʻexcitingʼ, and that she ʻfrequently watches boiling the kettleʼ because she ʻloves waiting for the steam to come outʼ. ʻIʼd so much rather anticipate my cup of tea than think about the student unionʼ, she added.

The Tab thinks: This guy needs to get some new friends….

Comment your ideas below of how you could better spend your 2 minutes