Here are 22 things you should never ever do as a Notts student

Don’t even think about it

You’ve made it to uni in Notts, welcome! Now, there are some things that the fancy micro prospectus just won’t tell you – the unwritten rules of attending UoN. Whether you’re a first year just joining us or maybe you’re a third year needing a little reminder, get your notepad out and start making notes. You’ll be a model Notts student before you know it.

Now, these rules aren’t your regular ‘don’t hook up with a first year if you’re a third year’ rules, that’s standard at unis up and down the country, these are rules that only apply if you go to uni in Notts. If you don’t learn them from this article, I can guarantee you’ll have learnt them by the end of your three years here.

So, stick to the following rules and you’ll fit right in – the geese might even start to like you. I’m joking, they won’t. The geese don’t like anyone.

Don’t approach the geese

This goes in its rightful place at the top of the list. Warn everyone walking on campus, Notts student or otherwise, like I mentioned above, these geese are not to be messed with. They’re not scared of you, but you should be scared of them. It’s their world, we’re just living in it.

I was verbally assaulted by these geese

Don’t get with people from Trent

I mean I can’t stop you but trust me, you won’t hear the end of it.

Don’t have your laptop volume on in Hallward

Or any library really. I don’t even want to listen to my own lecture, what makes you think I want to listen to yours?

Don’t go food shopping at midday

There’s literally no point. It doesn’t matter which supermarket you’re going to Lenton Sainsbury’s, Beeston Tesco or anywhere in between, there’ll be absolutely nothing, especially if it’s a weekend.

Don’t take a picture with the Nottingham sign

It’s one of the cringiest things you can do and the walk up the hill just isn’t worth it, especially when you can only fit half the sign in. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Don’t take a picture of Trent building either

You go there nearly everyday, I promise you don’t need a picture to remember it. Your Instagram followers don’t want to see it either.

Don’t make being from London your only personality trait

I get it. Nottingham is ‘north’ because it’s above the Watford gap. I know you’ve probably never seen a Lidl before. I know everything is so much cheaper here. We all get it so stop talking about it.

Don’t only make friends with people from your halls

I know it’s tempting to not socialise in lectures but you need course friends. Think of us poor second years that only saw people on our course for the first time in September. No one gets your struggle like your friend who also has no clue how to do the seminar questions.

Don’t spend all your time on one campus

As a girl who lived on Jubilee in first year I won’t stand for the slander. I know it’s ‘better’ on main campus but you need to experience it all. Get yourself on that hopper bus and explore.

Jubilee can be pretty sometimes

Don’t wear expensive clothes or shoes clubbing

They will get ruined. If you’ve not been hit in the head and drenched by a VK bottle, have you even really been out in Notts?

Don’t walk into a lecture late

Most embarrassing thing that can happen. The doors aren’t quiet and everyone will watch you try and find a seat. Also if you’re 20 minutes late, why are you even bothering?

Don’t miss the 34 bus

That is if you’re lucky enough that it stops for you. If you miss that bus you can guarantee you’re not getting where you need to be on time and no one wants to walk up Derby Road in the rain.

Don’t say you’re not going to buy Starbucks when you definitely are

You’re lying to me and you’re lying to yourself.

£3.25 I’ll never get back

Don’t forget your uni card

If you want to go to the library, or literally anywhere, you’re going to need it. The walk of shame of turning around when you get to the library because you can’t get in just isn’t worth it.

Don’t buy own brand spirits

Those of you frequenting Lidl will know of Rachmaninoff vodka and Queen Margot whiskey. I know it’s ridiculously cheap but don’t do it to yourself.

Don’t think you’re cool because you wear a green PlayerLayer

I get it, you signed up for one taster session. You’re not on the team.

Don’t go to Crisis thinking you’ll make it to your Thursday 9am

You just won’t and if, by some miracle, you do, then you’ll hate every minute.

Don’t forget to scan the QR code

Nothing worse than attending a lecture you didn’t even want to go to just not to have your attendance registered. Even worse if you’ve filled it in and forgot to press submit.

Don’t avoid eye contact with lecturers in seminars

It doesn’t work and I know this because I’ve tried. You might be able to get away with not answering questions in a lecture with 100+ people but in seminars you’ve got no hope. They’ll identify you by your clothes, by where you’re sat even by saying “the girl who’s not looking at me”. You can’t escape so don’t bother trying.

Don’t walk slowly side by side up Cripps Hill

Where are people meant to go to overtake you? In the road? Up the grass? Just make room please.

Don’t go three years without ever going to Wollaton Park

If you can go at Christmas then even better. I can confirm the milkshakes are worth the price and you get to see deer. What’s not to love?

Just me being the main character

Don’t pretend you don’t have uni pride

You worked hard to be here and you should be proud. You’ll defend it to the end if any outsider says anything against it. So go watch some sports and rep that uni merch with pride.

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