Nottingham has its answer to spotted_uon, and its more cringey Insta accounts

What says love more than being creepy at SPAR?


As Love Island approaches once again, it's easy to be reminded of your lack of a love life. Buy/Sell has been clogged up by lonely library goers reaching out and hoping to find their one true love.

If this weren't bad enough, there seems to have been a swarm of Instagram accounts out to take the job off their hands…following the likes of Oxfess and Oxlove, these accounts rely on gullible followers anonymously submitting their crushes with the hope of locating the tall dark stranger.

Image may contain: Text

The submissions range from hopelessly vague to scarily specific, all wrapped in a creepy layer of cringe that is sure to send the potential partner running. They have the entire campus covered, so make sure you leave the house looking your best at all times because you never know when you might be spotted.

We've ranked these accounts in order of cringiness, so you know where is best to lurk when looking for love.

Gorge_Green_

Rating: 6/10

Image may contain: Text, Poster, Paper, Flyer, Brochure

Deserves extra points for the embarrassment of a bandana tbh

Based in George Green Library, this account is obviously the mating ground for the STEM students who think that going to the water fountain is a social event. We understand that you don't get many opportunities to fraternise, guys, but please stop messaging about the hot guy ordering a meatball panini.

PortlandPengtings

Rating: 8/10

The bio offers up a quick previews of what's on the menu

Casting their net out further in the search for romance, PortlandPengtings provides followers with the opportunity to take advantage of their post-exam (or revision break) drink in Mooch and submit their fantasies about those sunning in the beer garden. Be sure to keep your eye on the queue in Spar, as you may be lucky enough to be the muse of the next post.

DavidRossFitties

Rating: 4/10

Image may contain: Text, Label

Oh is that who David Ross is?

I'm deducting points for the lack of creativity with the username for this one. Aside from that, this account proves you're not even safe at the gym. The eyes are everywhere.

MealyDaily

Rating: 7/10

Image may contain: Collage, Poster, Paper, Flyer, Brochure

Tesco's Finest crisps aren't even in the Meal Deal

Not really sure where this sits with all the love in the air, but well done for recognising that for many, the Meal Deal is the one true love. Their dedication to the perfect combination for that sweet £3.39 in Boots is commendable, and the move away from written submissions allows for a more dynamic visual experience when scrolling through their feed, even if all of the combos are wrong.

UoN_Singles

Rating: 2/10

Image may contain: Sports, Sport, Gymnastics, Acrobatic, Trademark, Logo, Person, People, Human

Whilst this one diverges from the standard screenshot format, it somehow manages to make the set up worse. Want your Instagram feed filled with Lonely Hearts adverts? This is the account for you. With their instructions advising you to list your "perfect type on paper", there's no chance of failure here!

UoNBNOCs

Rating: 1/10

Image may contain: Text, Trademark, Logo

Obviously, there is a definite lack of content here.

Spotted_UoN

Rating: 9/10

Image may contain: Paper, Flyer, Brochure, Poster, Collage, Hair, Afro Hairstyle, Person, People, Human

Anything with a disclaimer has to be good

This one has it all, embarrassing moments, the ability to set your mates up, and a whole story dedicated to fit students. Spotted UoN was the original of the Nottingham accounts, and for the most part has itself together the best. By not just focusing on the romantic confessions, and instead being a sort of best of Buy/Sell, it has so much potential to entertain.

What do you think of these Instagrams? Do you think they help with finding that special someone? Or are they just too cringey and self-indulgent?

The Tab Nottingham

last seen today at 09:45

Get breaking Notts gossip straight to your WhatsApp

Find out everything going down in Lenton, this week’s hottest Hallward gossip, and which bouncers to avoid in town. Straight into your DMs. 😘