We scrutinised this year’s Presidential manifestos

Will they ever stop proposing a Lenton Hub?


Deciding who to vote for in the SU elections usually comes down to which candidate you’re vaguely friends with, who approached you the most times in Ocean and who designed the best t-shirt.

For those who aren’t won over by the bright colours and flashy videos there are always the manifestos, a collection of promises just waiting to be broken.

We sat down in the two-year-old Lenton Hub, with the handy SU app, completely aware of what our transparent union does, to dissect this year’s Presidential Manifestos.

Dipen Patel

Dipen-Patel-4-Reform

  • Wants to build a wall and get Trent to pay for it – Even Trump wouldn’t be worried about Trent grads stealing our jobs.
  • Will hold an in/out referendum on NUS membership – The scaremongers will highlight the risk of losing our 10 per cent discount at Co-op.
  • Will stop freedom of the press by gaining “editorial control” over all student media to “prevent dissent”- Appears to have based his policies on those of Trump.
  • Promised he will resign in 50 days if his “democratic reforms are not enacted” and has a “secret plan” to make sure they are implemented – As Dipen is deprived of original ideas the secret plan is probably to invade Ukraine or send missiles to Cuba.
  • Yet to smile in any photo.

Emma Connor

Emma-Connor

  • Trying to “engage all students” by producing a boring manifesto.
  • Suggests setting up a Jubilee Committee – Another organization that has no real power.
  • Wants to “review food options” and a “Rate your Landlord” system – Someone’s been reading Angharad Smith’s manifesto from last year.
  • Essentially a collection of unfulfilled promises from years gone by.
  • Reminds me of 3am the day before a deadline, you’ve had five cans of Red Bull, you just need to fill the word count, who cares if its plagiarised.

Ismail Sadurdeen

Ismail-Sadurdeen

  • Plans to merge international welcome week and fresher’s week, thereby eradicating the purpose of international week.
  • Wants kitchens in the libraries – Because there’s currently so much free space.
  • Will set up “relaxation spaces” including sleep pods and massage chairs across all campuses – Ismail himself will provide a happy ending.
  • Would like to “display motivational life stories of high achieving current students and alumni” – Hosted by Piers Morgan.
  • Failed to mention the best part of his campaign, that awesome Snapchat filter.

Jess Salisbury

Jess-Salisbury

  • “I could write a manifesto that goes on forever but nobody wants that” – The first statement we can all agree with.
  • “Implementing women only sessions at the gym and pool” – Why stop there? We could have women only library sessions, hopper buses and exams.
  • Wants to bring in an Arts officer to “lessen the burden” on the Activities Officer – The heavy work load crippled Rob Jennings this year.
  • Jess’ role as President of the Equestrian Club qualifies her as it “isn’t dissimilar to the role of SU President” – It’s a stable position.
  • Works at Mooch so she may spit in your burger if you don’t vote for her.

 Jononymous

Jononymous

  • Desperately trying to recreate the magic of JLaw but failing tragically.
  • Will hire Get Your Own Back host Dave Benson-Phillips –  He hasn’t been seen since November when he sparked a ‘terror scare’ by popping a balloon dog in BHS.
  • Plans to “build a new sports hall” and “burn down one building per year at random as a tradition” are actually some of the more reasonable policies.
  • On point seven introduce serious policies such as supporting mental health groups and raising awareness – Kind of lost in the waves of shit joke attempts.
  • Would anyone even recognise him if he took the mask off? 

Mary McCarthy

Mary-McCarthy

  • “I will endeavor to…” – Spend a fuck tonne of money.
  • Plans to create a Lenton Hub – Will this ever be a thing? Does anyone even want it? How would every student fit in there? Will candidates still be putting this on their manifestos in 100 years’ time?
  • Introduces “Week Zero”, a welcome week focused solely on getting pissed and getting into the swing of not attending lectures early.
  • Increase printer credits, SU app, Lenton hub, rollover credit on meal cards, improve campus food, record all lectures, improve the hopper buses – Mary definitely wins President manifesto bingo.
  • Doesn’t have a policy on m&ms, the t-shirts were misleading.

Elections close today at 3pm.