Shock as Nottingham doesn’t do too well in another very questionable league table

Not one you want to show your parents


A new survey with some largely immeasurable criteria puts Nottingham at the bottom of a league table for once. 

The survey ranks universities according to attractiveness, niceness and whether or not we would throw up in someone’s house.

This survey, by Student Money Saver, doesn’t exactly shower UoN with praise from above. We are rated relatively low for nearly everything and the worst part is the poll asked us to rate ourselves.

Our usual wrestling on the 34 in Monday morning rain means we rank fairly low for being nice.

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Not only are we below the average in terms of happiness, we’re also ugly or really lacking in self worth. We may have won Varsity but the trolls up the road back themselves as better looking.

Unsurprisingly Keele students feel the ugliest, your self worth will improve proportionally to your distance from Stoke.

In an award to be proud of, only 10 per cent of Notts students piss or throw up in someone’s house and don’t clean it up. Liverpool John Moores though need to get some chunder etiquette as they find themselves at the top of the table.

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And then onto the big one: the self-proclaimed best university in the world, Robert Gordon University, back themselves as the smartest students – above every reputable uni imaginable.

Naturally Cambridge and Cardiff were inseparable and Liverpool John Moores holds up the bottom.

The integrity of the survey could be called into question as surprisingly Canterbury University is well below the average for funny students and Nottingham didn’t come much higher.

It isn’t all doom and gloom for UoN. We’re fairly good with money, don’t feel that poor as students and 48 per cent of us think we can get illegal drugs within the day.