No matter how hard you try, Lufbra will never be upmarket

Since coming back to uni after the summer holiday, it has become clear that the council are attempting to make Lufbra into a place that people actually want to visit.

You walk into our crappy, dull town and you’ll immediately realise it has one purpose, and one purpose only: fuelling Lufbrarians with cheap food and cheap alcohol.

All we want in life is a 2 for 1, oily pizza from Mario’s, washed down with £1 Jägerbombs from Firefly. We are a uni with simple tastes.

So, why has there suddenly been a recent influx of wannabe city-style takeaways and cafes?

In the past, you would stroll into town with your mates, head straight to Wetherspoons, grab a cheap pint and a gut-busting meal for no more than eight quid, and watch the football.

Now, all the Freshers who clearly don’t have a clue how to be proper Lufbra students, will head to Dolcino, a new dessert diner, filled out with 1950’s style decor where you pay extortionate amounts for a bit of ice cream on a pre-made waffle. They stand out and not in a good way.

Wetherspoon’s is the one

With the recent emergence of the new Baxter Gate complex, filled out with Nandos, Starbucks and other restaurant chains, I get the impression that the council are desperate to make Lufbra the next up and coming town, as they’re fed up of Beacon Bingo being their main attraction.

You could move David Beckham and The Shard to Lufbra and it would still be a dump.

If the council are so desperate to make our average, small, East Midlands town into a Hogsmeade and Shoreditch cross-breed, then they need to address the real problem: the sad excuses for student digs and the sorry face on the locals.

I have lived in three student houses, two of which have had mould and damp issues, as well as one of them smelling like a bad egg sandwich every time you turned a tap on because the tight-fisted landlords refused to spend more than a tenner refurbishing the place every year.

Our neighbour sits outside his house most days drinking Kestrel and singing to passers by. I can really picture him sitting in one of the new trendy restaurants having a civilised meal with the polo team.

By whacking in a few nice restaurants, and introducing a couple of trendy club nights, the real problem is only being covered up.