The low down on every single night out you should go on

If you want to blend in with the second and third years, you need to stop going to “London’s best night out ever” and start hitting up the actually good places.

No one ever had fun in the West End, no matter how much the promoters tell you they did. Stop acting like a tourist and you’ll find London is way more fun than you imagined.

Monday

You’ll hate yourself for loving it so much, and you’ll realise the smoking area does anything but offer “fresh-air”. Yep, XOYO is your go-to Monday night out.

You may have heard Proud in Camden (no, it’s not a gay-bar surprisingly) is the place to be – it offers great discounted entry to UCL students and it’s really close-by. But forget it. Nobody has ever had a good time there and nobody ever will. Get yourself to XOYO and pay the £5 entry.

There’s only one place to be on a Monday

The faux-chic decor (like the neon sign you see as you enter the basement) stands out like a parody of a Dutch strip club, and elevates it beyond your usual dingy basement in Dalston to set the tone for what promises to be a vibesy night. The lazers look sick on a snapchat story and it’s surprisingly easy to get to on the Tube or night bus.
The one bug-bear of XOYO is how annoying the bouncers are, but try and keep your cool. You’ll constantly be reminded there are neighbours nearby who don’t like to be kept up at midnight by the noise from the queue: resist the urge to ask why they moved there then. The bouncers don’t find it funny, nor any other jokes you’ll inevitably concoct to try and turn their frown upside down, so don’t waste your time.

Tuesday

After a good night’s sleep, a pint of milk and few painkillers it’s time for Tuesday’s shenanigans. For anyone looking for a cheap night close at hand, The Roxy is worth a shot.

Try and avoid the Z-list celebs

The Roxy is an old favourite for many. Drinks prices inside can be pretty steep but signing up to the guest list will secure you £1 entry – a bargain in central London. From Bieber to the Beetles, tonight’s music should appeal to everyone: whether you are looking for club anthems, some golden oldies or just a bit of cheese.

If you’re unlucky there’ll be a load of semi-famous YouTubers there. The likes of Joe Sugg and Caspar Lee often frequent this bar, and just as often try to create an exclusive area around them so they look like people actually care about them being there. In reality nobody does, and they’re only there because Mayfair wasn’t interested. If you ignore their C-listed efforts and secure a spot at the bar, the drinks are cheap and the bar-staff are friendly so you’re all set.

Wednesday

Do you even have to ask where to go tonight? Of course it’s Loop. Having chugged half your weight in alcohol it’s time to join the hordes of fellow UCL compatriots on the march to the infamous Loop. Task one is to get there. Many will fall by the wayside unable to stomach those 10 shots of tequila and six pints that seemed like such a good idea 20 minutes earlier. But hail him a taxi and soldier on.

LOOOOOP

Arriving at Loop, dodge the smattering of sick on the pavement outside and head inside. If you’ve timed it right, the queue won’t take too long and soon you’ll be on the bottom floor surrounded by rugby freshers dressed as women, the lacrosse team clad in swimming trunks and hockey players donning weird hats or something. You’ll need a drink to get through tonight so fight your way to the bar. A word of warning at this point: try not to flash the bank card too freely. In this intoxicated state you believe you are a billionaire. You are not, a fact tomorrow’s bank balance will be a sober reminder of.

Though you may wake on Thursday in a stranger’s clothes, somebody else’s bed or even in a different city, you will have had a great night with a few tales to tell the grandkids. Indeed, as I think the great Gandhi meant to say: “Live as if you were to die tomorrow, Loop as if you were to live forever.”

Thursday

Wednesday’s Loop may have left you feeling rather fragile, avowing to stay teetotal for the rest of your life. But for those up for another round, it’s time to explore beyond Zone 1. We head for “Your Mum’s House” at The Nest in Dalston. It takes at least two different trains to get to this venue, so refrain from downing the entire bottle of vodka beforehand as tonight demands a bit of navigation.

Squad goals

What trains lack in convenience they more than make up for in bonding time. Nothing says “I’m comfortable in your presence” quite like pole dancing on a train, and the lighting is great for photo shoots. It’s best to make sure someone’s not too hammered though, because you don’t want to end up trapped in the middle of Stoke Newington.

Although transport here may be dearer than previous nights, for just £5 entry Thursday’s at The Nest are well worth the price tag. Once inside, brace yourself for the perspiration party. This venue is small and often rammed, but lubricated with a few drinks you will soon find yourself lost in the music. A word of warning though, drinks get spilt easily so don’t arrive clad in all your finery.

Friday

Student Central is a classic for a Friday night. With £1 entry, discount drinks and some classic tunes, you’re set for a good night of booze fuelled fun. We all have an outrageous Student Central – previously known as ULU – story: whether it be falling face first on the dancefloor, tumbling down their foolishly long staircase, or even the refused entry followed by a night of regurgitating the litre of vodka you drank.

‘I haven’t even been sick yet’

Warning: Make sure you arrive on time. The queue tends to accumulate with entry ending at 12, and the bouncers are like Big Ben with their time keeping.

Saturday

Unless you’re the offspring of a millionaire, you’ll struggle here: nobody goes out on a Saturday for this reason. Try and find a house party and down some Sainsbury’s basic vodka. It’ll be good, trust me.

Look what fun they’re having

Sunday

Zzzzzz

So well done, you’ve made it to Sunday. The room is spinning, your head is thumping and there is an ominous looking clump in the sink. But relax, today is your day of respite, it all begins again on Monday…