Here are the warning signs your new university flatmates are complete and utter morons

Once the first few weeks of being a fresher have flown by and have merged into a blur in your life, thanks to all the alcohol, you’ll begin to notice the wolves removing their sheep clothing. Taken from those who survived living with nasty housemates, here are some flatmate red-flags you ought to keep an eye out for.

They steal your food/drink and not own up

HOW can someone get into uni yet be thick enough to think putting an empty milk carton (that isn’t yours) into a fridge is fine?

“I was defrosting a pie and some cunt ate it and didn’t own up. So I just ate everyone else’s food for the rest of the year to make up for the financial and emotional loss”- Anna, Crown Place.

Resolution: Follow Anna’s footsteps. If you can’t beat them, be them.

They get super jealous of other flats hosting pres

“But they hosted pres last night! Why do people not want to come to ours? Fuck that flat, we’re where its at!”

Believe it or not, there’s people who actually have this mindset. These kinds of thinkers were in the ‘it’ crowd in school and suffer from a pathetic amount of FOMO to the point where they look like spoilt brats. Give them some time to adjust to the new non-existing social system at uni, and see if they still care where people go for pres.

Resolution: Try and be patient but understand you’re probably living with cretins.

They go through your cupboards and spill your stuff on the floor

No-brainer, really. Get away from those psychopaths.

Resolution: Move. Move. Move.

They use your cutlery and never clean it up

If you lose any cooking equipment, take a look in the overcrowded and probably mouldy sink to see what your pagan flatmates stole from you.

Resolution: Send an aggressive message to your flat group chat to get the point across, knowing fully well nobody will take note.

They puke or pee in the kitchen sink and dont clean it up

“This one guy puked in the sink after a night out and didn’t clean it up – it was a Friday and cleaners don’t come in on weekends. The prick actually left it for days and the whole place stank of his vomit. Rank.” Chris, Carnatic Halls.

Resolution: Live off tinned foods/fruits for the weekend so you don’t have to enter the kitchen.

They facetime their family in public areas

If a housemate is on loud speaker to their parents in the living area then we have to stay quiet in our own living space or risk being eaves-dropped. It’s just plain awkward. Have some people skills and take the conversation to your room, you idiot.

Resolution: Talk loudly or pretend to be on the phone to piss off the obnoxious imbecile.

Their conversations consist of only bitching

Gossiping with friends is absolutely fine to some extent, but chatting nothing but shit about people you’ve only known for a few weeks is just pure nasty.

Resolution: Make new friends – chances are they’ve slagged you off this whole time. Hiss.

They have loud sex way too often

During exam season, whilst you’re trying to sleep, when you’re heart broken – if your flatmate still goes at it despite you politely asking them to shut up, they’re an utter moron. Are you angry, tired, or envious? Who knows.

The line is drawn if they shag on the kitchen worktop and “don’t clean up the cum or bum sweat marks.” Diiiiiirty little shits.

Resolution: Spam the nympho with videos of childbirth .

Whether you get even, cry yourself to sleep, or move houses – the silver lining of living with animals is that this is a far more exciting tale than simply saying you all got along like a house on fire.