A short list of people who might actually turn up to Trump’s Inauguration

With boycotts from celebrities and politicians alike, Pornhub and Putin are among the most likely attendees


Since his election last year, Trump has been struggling to pin down celebrities, performers, and even congressmen for his inauguration. With 50 Democrats announcing their intention to boycott, Trump’s Inauguration team are looking more and more like the unpopular kid’s parents trying to cobble together his birthday party.

Initially, I intended to predict 20 people who would definitely RSVP. However, as it happens it is impossible to think of more than handful individuals who would want to go and witness the beginning of the end. So seeing as Stalin is dead, here are the remaining few:

Vladimir Putin

Keen to begin his role as First Lady, Putin will be joining Trump on stage in that little black number Donald likes so much.

“Generals; why is it that I invest £40bn in your armed forces and you cannot even source me a strapless bra?”

 

Willy Wonka’s Wig Factory

Mr Wonka will be making a visit from his lesser-known factory; the factory of wigs. Trump will be being made president of the USA, and Mr Wonka is keen to keep an eye on his most valued customer. Rumour has it that, in another entrepreneurial venture, Mr Wonka will be running in 2020 under the Slogan “would this really be any less reasonable?”

‘Yes We Candy’

Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney will also be there, technically not at the capitol building, but still within range.

Pornhub

A delegation from the online pornography streaming site will be attending to capture new footage for its feature length film ‘Pussy-Grabber Humiliates Half the Country.’ Reportedly, Pornhub intends to market the film to those so desensitised and disillusioned that they can only get off to power-hungry maniacs ruining the lives of women and minorities.

Robot Hitler

Part android, part re-animated corpse, Robot Hitler will be time-travelling from the future to witness first-hand the day the 4th Reich really kicked off.

With the left side of his face now made entirely of metal, Robot Hitler is also on the look out for the other half of his mustache

Meryl Streep

Is on standby in case Romney runs out of ammunition.

The Anti-Christ himself

In a surprise turn of events, the enemy of mankind and representative of all that is unholy is expected to make an appearance. Jealous that Trump has plagiarised his plan to bring about the end of days, the Anti-Christ has set aside his differences and teamed up with regular Christ to live-stream a rival event which they hope will steal back the limelight. The show will have a similar format to the Apprentice, putting contestants head to head in a battle to become an associate of Christ in the kingdom of heaven, or else burn for eternity in hellfire.

Pluto

Feeling left behind by the intergalactic system after losing his status as a planet, Pluto will be showing his support for the new president. When questioned at press time, Pluto said he felt he wouldn’t have been demoted if it weren’t for all these molecular clouds coming over here and colliding together to form gaseous giants.