Important: Which cheese is your uni?

For reasons completely unknown, prospectuses and league tables have long forgotten to mention what the finest universities in the country would be if they were a cheese. This changes now. Where does your uni fit on the cheeseboard of higher education? Do you go well with a nice rioja, or are you just stinking out the fridge?

Loughborough – Blue Stilton

Loughborough’s athletes are in the gym so often they’re dead veiny and smell awful.

Leeds – Wensleydale

The best Yorkshire has to offer, and you’re guaranteed a good time with either.  While Leeds’ finest go to Fruity on a Friday night, Wensleydale gets fruity when combined with cranberries.

Leeds Beckett – Dairylea Strip Cheese

Everyone knows you by another name (Met/Cheesestrings), but it doesn’t matter because ultimately you’re not that good. Your posher neighbours will tell you you’re not a real uni/cheese, but don’t listen to them.

Birmingham – Red Leicester

At first glance, your red appearance (and the fact you’re from the Midlands) could put people off, but you’re as solid as they come and deserve a lot of respect.

Edinburgh – Emmental

Both found set against a hilly backdrop, both are full of holes and not that exciting but are really nice deep down.

Glasgow – Leerdammer

A more fun version of Emmental.

Aberystwyth – Stinking Bishop

They both have funny names.

Cambridge – Camembert

Thinks it’s better than its great rival, Brie. The very mention of its name screams prestige.

Oxford – Brie

Thinks it’s better than its great rival, Camembert. If you know your cheese history, you’ll know it’s also been around a little bit longer too.

Newcastle – Cheddar

Strong, bold and a whole load of fun. Just as everyone loves a night out in Newcastle, not even cheese haters can have a pop at cheddar – it’s given us Mini Cheddars for God’s sake.

London Unis – Parmesan

Has to be chopped up into several tiny pieces to be tolerable.

Cardiff – Manchego

The Wikipedia entry for Manchego says “Leaves an after taste quite reminiscent of sheep’s milk.” Nothing more to add.

Manchester – Goat’s cheese

Because getting cheese from cow’s milk is terribly mainstream.

Nottingham – Lancashire

It may not be many people’s first choice on the cheeseboard/UCAS form, but you’re guaranteed a good time.

Liverpool – American Cheese Slices

A city, and a cheese, popular with our cousins across the Atlantic. Lots of people like to look down their noses at you, but do you give a fuck? No.

Everyone secretly loves you for your cheeky Scouse wit/crucial role in a cheeseburger.

Durham – Roquefort

Quite keen to be up there with Brie and Camembert, and certainly has enough going for it to back it up.

Still, despite your striking appearance and prestige, you’re still not quite at their level.

Queens Belfast – Fondue

Gets messy when things heat up.

Sheffield – Gorgonzola

Likely to kick up a stink all the fucking time.

Bristol – Applewood Smoked Cheddar

Looks fancy on a cheeseboard/application and is a pretty tasty combination of posh and edgy. At the end of the day though, it’s still only a cheddar.

UEA – the cheese Alan Partridge shoves into Tony Hayers’ face

Smell my cheese, you mother.

Exeter – Philadelphia

It’s a little taste of Devon.

 Aberdeen – Laughing Cow

Always cold and associated with cattle.

Warwick – Mozzarella

Whatever mate, you’re so middle of the road. Unless you’re on a pizza, you’re just tasteless and boring.