Being Single on Valentine’s Day

It’s that time of year again, and we know it hurts. You’re all alone, and all you can see in every direction are lovey-dovey couples that seem to exist only to cause you pain. Well, don’t fret. Always your helpful companion, The Tab is here to guide you through the most romantic day of the year.

First thing to remember is that it’s never too late to get a date for Valentine’s Day. You can find one anywhere – try on campus, for example. Lonely hearts can easily be spotted gazing longingly across the fountain outside the Roger Stevens building, or strolling sorrowfully through the huge fucking graveyard that is smack-bang in the middle of campus for no discernible reason. Some sites may tell you that the best place to find love on campus is in the downstairs male toilets of the Parkinson building, but The Tab warns you to approach this particular date-site with caution (and Vaseline).

So you succeeded in picking up an equally pathetic singleton? We commend you. You don’t have a chance of getting into any restaurants at this short notice, but the Mcdonald’s on Briggate is truly second-to-none. If even this fails you, take your newfound partner back to your grotty student kitchen. Nothing screams romance more than 13p Tesco own-brand curry sauce, stale bread and the sour pang of gone-off milk.

For those of you that did not succeed in finding a companion for the evening, all hope is not lost. There are plenty of events on, patronisingly marketed just for you, you lonely bastard.

If the idea of standing in a room full of sweaty loners screaming “WEEE ARE NEVER, EVER, EVEEERR, GETTING BACK TOGETHEEER” appeals to you, then a Valentine’s Day club night is going to be right up your street. If you’re a guy trying to pull on such a night, remember that girls find nothing sexier than a man who is open with his emotions. With this in mind, try crying and telling them how Sophie broke your heart and now won’t return your calls.

Those leftover pancakes double-up as a pillow

So you didn’t pull? Really? It’s the end of the night and you’re still alone? Wow. We don’t really know what to say. The Sainsbury’s Local on Brudenell Road is open 24/7, maybe go get yourself some cream cakes and a shit-tonne of Pringles. There’s no better romantic companion than food, after all, and food won’t make a comment on the angry tears streaming down your face as you wallow in your filthy bed, stuffing empty carbs into your mouth with one hand and perusing PornHub with the other.

Happy Valentine’s Day, buddy.