Boyfriends: The Cheapest way to keep warm

Livi surveys the beach for eligible bachelors

Call me old fashioned but I’ve long championed the idea that relationships at University are much like the Popinas monster breakfast on a hangover: while satisfying at first, they are both inevitably followed by nausea, submission to the foetal position and declarations of life-long abstinence.

Yet back we crawl, legions of defeated warriors dragging our battered corpses up Brudenell Road using our last raspy breaths to utter the fatal demand, ‘I’ll take the monster breakfast and a lilt.’

The problem is simple; if we are unable to decline a side of beans and frozen black pudding how is one expected to say no to regular sex and a hand to hold around the Christmas market? Even with the subconscious foresight into the hours, days and weeks, both will have you resigned to starvation and when they are ‘handed to you on a plate’ it’s difficult to say no.

Hoping to add a new happy couples photo to the wall

However, as the temperature drops and finances near total depletion I begin to wonder whether it is economically viable to be a single student in December. Rosy faced couples swan around in t-shirts to cool down post-coitus, while singletons are left lighting matches under each other’s icicle covered nips in front of I’m a celebrity. Your housemate informs you over your morning muesli that ‘Tony* went down on me for hours last night’ Really? Well my fanny almost caught fire when I shoved the hairdryer under my duvet. So don’t think you’re having all the funBills and libidos soar as low temperatures prevent potential booty calls from leaving the comfort of their hot water bottles. It’s not that they don’t want to come over and dry hump the hell out of you, it’s just by the time they’ve traversed the icy roads of Hyde Park, even a lap dance from Megan Fox wouldn’t be enough to coax their shrivelled balls out to play. Bitter winds breed bitter moods and for once lip-locking with a random in Tequila really isn’t enough to keep you warm at night.

Until sexual frustration can be used to boil a kettle and burning loins provide a sufficient surface upon which to fry an egg, a boyfriend with all inclusive bills is the most covetable item this winter.

Livi vying for attention