HMO Dear: That safety licence doesn’t mean your landlords actually care

Health and Safety is overrated anyway

After months of trawling around the West End and City Centre looking for that perfect flat, you find it. 

Spacious, well presented and above all fully licensed and no threat of the council coming over to kick you out.

But that was ten months ago, and now the honeymoon phase is over, and like any relationship, the cracks are starting to show.

Quite literally in some cases.

Because while you might think that HMO licence guarantees some level of quality the reality is landlords still just don’t give a shit.

The slugs need a way in as well

The slugs need a way in as well


Now the damp seems to be repainting the flat, and that tiny extractor fan does less work than Edward Snowden.

For an interesting view on things just imagine that your flat is a person, and that damp is its mere sweat glands.

Non-returnable Deposit

Oh, and remember that £500 you handed over to take the property off the market, well you won’t be seeing that any time soon.

Your landlord has just secured a bigger pay day at the end of your lease – along with that huge bill you’ll pay for cleaning even though you spent 3 days scrubbing the place.

Just think of them blowing it all on a booth and drinks at Viper, which must be what they’re spending it on.

The Great Fire of Glasgow

Instead of a bakery starting the great fire of Glasgow, it will probably be your fajita mix burning in the pan.

But they couldn’t care less that your fire escape is blocked off with your dining room table because your roof fell in.

They’ve got hundreds of other properties to not give a shit about, you burning to death means one less set of whiny students.

Burn baby burn

Burn baby burn


And remember that clause in your contract, “NO PETS”, well that’s obviously not an issue anymore.

Roland Rat and his little family have found a new home, and they’re not leaving.

Your wholemeal flour and risotto rice are perfect for their Sunday dinners.

If you’re lucky your landlord will give you a working pest control number and tell you to fuck off, if not, at least Mr and Mrs Rat will help warm up the flat.

He was only after the ratatouille

He was only after the ratatouille

Indoor Swimming Pool

Four months from now, when winter’s ended and you can’t see your breath in your rooms anymore, the fun’s not over

That leaking pipe out the front of your block can help you create the pool of your dreams for your hit new tv show Glasgae Shore.

Just make sure you don’t lose the oompa loompas in the gunk.

Looks like a rough night in Viper to me

Looks like a rough night in Viper to me

It could be worse though – you could live in Edinburgh.