Here are the craziest stories from living in Pollock this semester

There were penises everywhere

It’s no secret that Pollock Halls has quite the reputation. Every year, a mass emigration from the south of England to Edinburgh occurs, in which swathes of private school kids begin their university experience in one of Pollock’s several buildings.

Characterized by its high concentration of mullets, rampant classism, and rah girlies, Pollock is essentially the boarding school experience in its most evolved form. But with thousands of people taking up residence in the halls every year, it goes without saying that there is always something happening in Pollock, and this past semester was certainly no exception.

From the rise of Bongos to the Holland House Murderer, the past few months in Pollock have certainly been eventful. Without further ado, here are the funniest, the silliest, and the most outrageous Pollock tales that happened over the past few months, from someone who lived through them:

Grant House’s unofficial name change

If you’ve visited Pollock within the past couple of weeks, you may have noticed that the Grant House sign has been completely defiled. Over the course of a number of weeks, certain freshers took it upon themselves to begin removing letters from the sign to a point that the entrance to Grant now reads ‘RAT HOE’.

One particular individual was responsible for the majority of the sign going missing, as they would pull off the letters in the middle of the night using a crowbar and hammer. An eye-witness account even recalls how upon returning from a rather hectic night out, she was shocked to see that this same individual was on top of the roof, determinedly hacking off the letter ‘N’.

Showing the vandalism outside Grant House

A fresh, new look for Grant House.

This vandalism obviously hasn’t gone down very well with the Pollock staff; residents of Grant have already been sent emails stating that every resident in the accommodation will be charged 20p for each letter that has gone missing and failed to be returned.

But in all honesty, ‘RAT HOE’ does have more of a ring to it.

The rise of Bongos Tuesday

In past years, Juju’s on a Monday was the staple night out for the Pollock freshers. However, it seems that throughout this past term, the Midnight Bass event at Bongos has now captured the Pollock cult following.

Picture captured at a Bongos pre’s

Prior to this year, Bongos seemed to have faded into irrelevancy, with it being one of the lesser-known clubs in Edinburgh. Although its success has been gradual, Tuesday Bongos has become the only structure in many people’s weeks, with many freshers swearing by the club night. Every Tuesday, Pollock freshers, armed with their baggies and their baccy, race to Cowgate in order to obtain the free entry before 11:30.

Whilst the cheap drinks and immense DnB tunes are certainly reasons why Bongos has become so popular, the smoking area is definitely one of the most popular aspects of the club. With plenty of seating and a generally nice atmosphere, the smoking area enables many a rah girlie to have the optimal blem whilst recounting their recent trials and tribulations to their London gal pals.

The Holland House Murderer

The Holland House Murderer was a move of comedic, but slightly terrifying, genius. Every morning in the lead-up to Halloween, the residents of Holland House would be awoken at around 4am to the screeching of the fire alarm.

This was triggered by toast that had been burned in one of the pantries, with the doors left ajar by the perpetrator to allow for the smoke to reach the alarms in the hallway. What’s more is that letters expressing murderous intent would also be left on the pantry doors, hence inspiring the perpetrator’s aforementioned alias.

For everyone not in Holland, the complaints of its residents regarding the early fire alarms were rather amusing. After all, it’s pretty funny to hear that your mates are falling victim to such an elaborate joke. The Holland warden and Pollock security, however, certainly weren’t rolling on the floor laughing. University disciplinary intervention was threatened in a slew of emails, and security patrols were placed around Holland House in the early mornings to catch the perpetrator in action.

Oh, and Pollock staff took all of the toasters out of the Holland pantries.

A letter to give you permanent chills

Penises everywhere

We can all agree that the concept of a penis is universally funny. With Pollock being nearly 70 per cent female, and about 20 per cent boarding school males, it’s inevitable that the halls would be obsessed with the idea of male genitalia.

This past term saw a multitude of appearances by a variety of dildos across the halls. These rubber penises, all in a variety of shapes and sizes, would pop up in elevators, study spaces, and even the JMCC.

The dildo that appeared in the Chancellor’s lift actually had saliva dripping from it to add to its realism. One particular occasion saw a Pollock resident enter each house’s common room armed with a vibrating dildo.

Lest we forget the first snow day of the winter season, in which Grant House residents woke up to a view of a giant penis that had been drawn into the snow below. What a wonderful sight to start your day.

Psychedelics in the Chancellor’s Courtyard

The courtyard outside Chancellor’s Court has historically been the place where the Pollock massive enjoy a pre-dinner cigarette. And whilst this is certainly still the case, recent events this past semester suggest that nicotine isn’t the only substance enjoyed in the courtyard.

Multiple occasions have seen groups of people both tripping and trip-sitting in the courtyard space. Albeit not the most picturesque space to enjoy such mind-altering drugs, the sight of people off their faces on psychedelics was quite entertaining for passers-by.

In fact, people on the Chancellor’s C-Block group chat were informed of these events as they were taking place, causing a watching party to form in the space. What’s not amusing about people shouting about non-existent colours and distorting faces?

Pollock-based Instagram accounts

Although they might not realise it, Pollock and its residents are inherently funny. Whilst Hugo from Eton might not possess any remote comedic genius, his unironic use of the words ‘dutty’ and ‘yah’ are hilarious to the rest of us that didn’t go to boarding school.

Accounts like @uoecellectuals have capitalized upon this Pollock mockery in Semester One, sharing posts throughout the past months that highlight just how posh the accommodation really is.

Via @uoecellectuals on Instagram

On a similar note, @pollockhallschats has been sharing quotes overheard in Pollock over the past semester, demonstrating not only the absurdity of the Pollock lifestyle, but also the blatant classism that runs rife in Pollock as well. Pollock residents have suggested everything from Christmas tennis tournaments to obtaining restraining orders on anyone who has ever so much as set foot on the Napier campus.

Disappearing acts

Let’s face it, we’ve all lost our mates on nights out before. But some freshers in Pollock this semester took disappearing acts to greater heights. One individual recounts how he woke up in a random telephone box after a night out at Mash House, and another fresher failed to recall how he had ended up in random locations after every Midnight Bass event.

The most extreme case of going missing was when a Pollock resident decided to take a trip to Newcastle for a couple of days. After one of his nights out during the trip, the fresher awoke in a massage parlour in the middle of the city, wearing only his t-shirt, underwear and a singular sock.

And honestly, that’s how you know you’ve been on a mad one.

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