If you’ve done any of these nine things as a student in Edi, you don’t need to worry about the Covid vaccine

Let’s be honest, we’ve all heard comments questioning the new vaccines for coronavirus. Interestingly, some of these comments seem to come from people who either, have no scientific qualifications apart from a C in GCSE Biology, or who take enough gear to kill a small elephant.

While I’m no scientist myself, I think I can say with some certainty that if you have the utter lack of decency and common sense to not wear flip flops in a shower you share with 12 other first years, you’ll be fine getting the vaccine.

So, to reassure you all, here’s a list of the rest of the things to tick off that prove you don’t need to be worried about getting vaccinated.

1. Walked bare foot in a student kitchen

I truly struggle to think of a reason why any one would ever do this. Considering the sheer quantity of crumbs and the lack of mopping that is ever done in a student kitchen, this should be classed as a hate crime. Much like anti-vax rhetoric on twitter, the decision not to wear sliders or at least a flip flop in a student kitchen truly defies logic; even just wearing socks is a stretch.

How on earth people get into Russell Group universities and still do this is beyond me. If you’ve ever done this I can 100 per cent confirm that the vaccine is safe for you to take – if you can allow the soles of your feet to be accosted like this, your arm will certainly survive an injection.

Just the image of toast crumbs stuck to your toes would be enough to repel the virus from your body.

2. Committed flatcest

If you are foolish enough to commit flatcest, you definitely need to get vaccinated ASAP – you are a danger to society. The absolute chaos of this decision alone reassures me that you will be more than ok. If you’ve ever done this you not only need a vaccine but also perhaps a tracking device and physical restraints to tie you to your bed every night so you don’t shag your flatmate again.

You probably also massively break lockdown rules as clearly you have no common sense or foresight. You don’t even need to catch Covid to lose your sense of taste, as you clearly never had one to begin with.

There’s also a few other diseases you should be more worried about.

3. Gone to Hive or Gari’s

The butt of every cleanliness joke, Hive is well known to be generally quite grim. If you’ve been to both Gari’s and Hive you might not even need a second dose – the sheer grit and determination to have a good time could potentially protect you 100 per cent from COVID. Additionally if you’ve ever smashed your glass after having a Gari’s special you will be the peak of health after your vaccine, the madness of these sorts of decision would probably scare Miss Rona off anyway.

Extra points if you’ve queued up for Gari’s knowing that it is completely full downstairs and still thought it would be a good idea to go in. It’s just not plausible that several hundred students will fit in such a small room, especially when people are fighting over getting on the pole (those bouncers really need to work on their maths skills). I bet the pole at Gari’s was responsible for a solid two thirds of Edinburgh uni infections in the first wave anyway.

4. Drunk from a shared utensil in Ring of Fire

Shoutout to all the germs everyone used to consume by sharing cups, bottles and drinking funnels – gone but never forgotten. To be honest, if you used to do this regularly, your immune system is probably strong enough to repel corona the second it makes contact with your body, so arguably you don’t even need a vaccine – the willpower it takes to down a saucepan full of beer and Buckfast mixed with vodka is probably enough for you to singlehandedly cure your coronavirus.

It’s honestly quite brave to take on a funnel full of beer, or a pint glass of Lambrini and rum, so I hope they give you a sticker after your jab – you deserve it.

5.  Eaten from the salad bar at the JMCC

If you’ve ever eaten any of the following, the fact that you haven’t died of food poison is probably your greatest achievement in life. JMCC boiled eggs, olives, tuna, salad cream or any meat served on a Sunday.

If you’ve managed to survive this, you’ll be fine getting your vaccine. Corona is the least of your worries, the psychological damage from seeing people willingly eat bowls full of JMCC rice pudding is enough to concern you for the foreseeable years of your degree.

6. Attended a sport society social

The absolute horrors of socials will physically and mentally prepare you for both coronavirus and the bubonic plague – if you can stomach drinking beer out of a dead fish and naked wrestling on a twister matt, I think you’ll be fine getting your vaccine.

If you also shower with your teammates after matches (or just for fun – shoutout rugby boys) when you could just shower on your own, you might not even need a vaccine because you are probably just built different. Why would you ever willingly take a shower with 14 other sweaty boys covered in mud – ew.

7. Used a 2in1 shampoo and conditioner

2in1 shampoo and conditioner is a scam invented by marketing companies to convince men that barely washing themselves is an appropriate thing to do. You can’t simultaneously shampoo and condition your hair – you have been scammed. Even worse, if you use a 3in1, or God help us all, a 5in1, you certainly will have built up enough germs to simply repel the virus from ever entering your body.

Genuinely this should be classed as a crime against humanity ,please get help, your friends are worried about you. People who also use this sort of thing to wash their body (rather than buying a £1 body wash from Boots – the obvious choice) probably were responsible for the spread of Covid in the first place anyway, so the vaccine is the least of your worries.

To prevent further infection, please use the Lynx Africa body wash set your mum bought you for Christmas – you need it.

8. Eaten a kebab sober

It’s acceptable to eat a kebab after a night out, I will give you that. However, if you have ever willingly consumed a kebab sober, you needed to be locked up. I don’t mean a nice little kebab with tzatziki and cucumber from M&S, I mean a kebab with enough oil on it that the US government has considered a “humanitarian intervention”.

I hope I never have to witness anyone ever do this because I will need to receive therapy – the pandemonium of this decision should make you reflect on your life as a whole. On the plus side, you probably have a strong enough immune system to eat radioactive waste and survive, so don’t worry about being vaccinated.

9. Attended Fly

Tbh, any British festival will do. The British element of this is very important – using toilets that essentially lead to a massive trough of poo and walking through mud about 3ft deep are scientifically proven to give you an immune system capable of surviving any and all illnesses. Although I personally don’t think Coachella will help you survive Miss Rona.

Surviving four days in a half-standing, wet tent in a cold field in Reading will certainly prepare you for your vaccine – bonus points if you’ve ever slept outside on a mattress because you were so steaming that you couldn’t manage to get your tent zipper open. Managing to avoid getting a UTI at a festival is a skill in itself; if you can dodge that you can certainly survive a vaccine.

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