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All the things you learn when your bedroom window looks out onto Hive

Basically it’s just really loud all the time

My student flat is a great one in a lot of ways. Flatmates, location, price, number of bathrooms – it passes all these with flying colours.

There's only one slight catch – my bedroom looks out onto Hive. It can get loud, that's for sure – but it is also definitely a constant source of amusement (not to mention it's really handy to be able to check how long the queue is looking before heading out). Staying in on a Friday, though, it's like I get the night out experience, except sober, devoid of all senses except hearing, and much more comfortable – what could be better?!

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I love it really

Over these past few months, I've learnt that the hot mess of a club that everybody loves to hate and hates to love has more to it than…well, its stickiness. Here's what I've learnt about the makings of a classic Edinburgh night out – through hearing it all from the comfort of my own bed.

Hive is some kind of tourist attraction

Something that's easy to forget as a student who's experienced/endured Hive's sticky smelliness one too many times is the enduring reputation of the place amongst outsiders. "I hear THE HIVE is a really good night" you hear them whisper. "They say it's the best club in Scotland".

They're probably lured in by pictures like this that actually make it look quite nice

However much I'd like to beg to differ, I have witnessed from my window a minibus pull up outside the place, spewing out about 15 gals on a hen night who happily waltzed straight in. At 11pm.

Drunk people love to sing

I mean, I knew this already – but when you're not the drunk one, large groups of people screaming the lyrics to Dancing Queen seems to have a comparable decibel level to that of a plane taking off. Last night I was just dropping off when a bunch of people decided to start singing the Harry Potter theme song. Sometimes you've just gotta suck it up and hum along.

Drunk people also love to scream

You know when you wake up from a strange dream in the middle of the night, in the pitch black, and get that weird unsettled, creeped-out feeling? Imagine waking up from a strange dream in the pitch black to the sounds of people SCREAMING in the distance.

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Evidence that you can actually get kicked out of Hive for being too loud

I may just have a nervous sensibility, but I can also testify that an alcohol-fuelled scream of excitement doesn't really sound too different from a blood-curdling scream of fear.

It's happened more than once that I have to get up and check that no, the zombie apocalypse hasn't started yet, and yes, someone was really just screaming because they lost their shoe.

Hive is obviously in a really confusing location

It also happens fairly regularly that I'm woken up around 3AM by people standing underneath my window complaining that they've walked the wrong way and don't know how to get home. To be fair, even I find getting home from Hive difficult after more than a few drinks, and I only live around the corner. Why are there so many different dark cobbled alleys coming off Cowgate? And why are half of them dead ends?

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At least I have a grasp on directions

Cowgate has the world's loudest bins

When I get in from a night out myself, I feel pretty glad that I can fall straight asleep, having been on the other side of my window contributing to the noise outside rather than trying to sleep through it. I've rolled straight out of Hive and into bed – you could say I feel pretty smug. Until I get woken up a couple of hours later by the world's loudest bin men, that is.

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Sometimes I have to resort to wearing ear protection in bed

The singing and shouting is bearable compared to the sound of thousands of bottles and glasses crashing down into a truck that sounds like it's going to 'ATTENTION: VEHICLE IN REVERSE' right through my bedroom wall.

Despite all that though, I've almost managed to grow fond of it.