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The worst crimes people commit in the Edinburgh Uni library lifts


The lifts of Edinburgh Uni's Central library are a microcosm of student life. They show us for what we truly are: lazy, pushy and a bit socially awkward.

Some of the things certain Edi students do, though, are downright criminal, and would leave them guilty as charged in any truly functioning society.

Squeezing in the lift when there's already six people in there

Surely an arrestable offence: The library lifts are small enough as they are and it's a push to even get six people in. However, there's always that one guy who sees a full, six-person lift and thinks it's socially acceptable to "oh I'll just squeeze in" despite the fact no one moves out of their way or makes eye contact. Take the hint loser. And the next lift.

Getting out on the first or second floor

Obviously it goes without saying that there are people that genuinely need to take the lift, but if you're not one of those people and just took up a space so that you could go up one flight of stairs, you're probably the worst? I don't care if you have lots of books, mate, it's about eighteen steps. Bonus points if you're in gym gear.

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But is this a joke

In fact, travelling one floor at any point

Doesn't matter if it's between third and fourth, ground to first, come on now. You might not have been to the gym in a while but you couldn't have walked up one more flight, huh?

Having a huge backpack

Apparently there are those that are still using the same backpack they were running around with in year seven, and they seem to magically appear during times when the lift is full. It's weird how there's a huge mirror and yet they can't see that they're literally crushing you to death. Is this how it all ends? In the corner of an Edinburgh uni library lift, somewhere between fourth and fifth? Say it ain't so.

Pretending to be on your phone

There's no crime here, but it is funny that people will stare at their blank phone screens, knowing full well there's no wifi or 4G, in efforts to not make eye contact with any other human in the vicinity. Try harder.

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We all know no ones texting you, mate

Jumping the queue

That essay you wrote for General Studies on how "Capital Punishment is morally wrong" goes right out the window in this situation. Imagine waiting on the ground floor for the lifts for a good 3 minutes 45 seconds only to be accosted by someone who just rocked up. Apologies but the people that do this are definitely English and as a people who fucking love to queue, they should know better.

Ignoring people you know

Sure, we're just acquaintances but you literally liked my profile picture the other day and now you're pretending you've never met me in your life. You know I'm in here because you accidentally made eye contact with me a second ago. Being Facebook friends must mean nothing these days.

Speaking to people you know

Look we were at the same pres together once, I've basically just woken up and it's deadly silent in here, can we not do this now?

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Don't know her

Being on third and stopping the already-full lift coming from fourth

How dare you, ye who sit on the third floor, not somehow know that the lift was already full when you pressed the button. Life is ending one second at a time and you've just extended the amount of seconds I've had to be in this building. Thanks a lot. Seriously. Thanks.

Being in a couple

Finally, the worst crime of all, some would say a hanging offence: being happy. But really, is there anything more awkward than getting in the lift with a couple? Especially a couple being couple-y. Like, can you just not? Talk about conspiracy to make everyone else feel like shit.