Edinburgh seriously needs to up its fast food game

Everyone knows what defines a good night out; what you took home with you after the club.

No, I don’t mean that girl you just met, the only thing you can remember about her being that she likes tequila and that her ‘spirit animal’ is a sloth, which you can only assume that is because she’s wearing too much eye makeup. No, I’m talking about something much more profound, and far less irritating.

I’m talking about the sacred ritual of the post-club munch.

Since the dawn of time, alcohol and food have probably had a better relationship than Scotland and obesity. Even Jesus himself shortly after turning water into wine was probably struggling to remember the nearest place that does a donner kebab. It doesn’t matter who you are, after a few too many we are all attracted to the bright lights of a late licence like a moth to a particularly greasy, but glorious flame.

It seems everywhere you go in the UK people understand this … everywhere except Edinburgh. You would think that in a nation that seems willing to fry everything from a mars bar to their own mother would have the best selection of late night greasy food available, but the Edinburgh munch is an embarrassment.

All the takeaways shut ridiculously early here, all the decent ones close before 12, leaving you slowly gravitating towards the doors of Scotmid, rifling through a pile of sandwiches that look in an even worse state than you do, or even worse, you decide to go to Pizza Paradise.

What the hell even is a ‘kebabs pizza’?

Pizza Paradise, with their insane no take-away allowed rule, is an identical experience to dancing in the club when they flick the lights on, you slowly start sober up and realise the place and people around you look as though they’ve just been risen from the dead.

In perhaps one of the most misleading names of all time, I think it should be renamed to Pizza Parasite, or at least make customers sign a safety waiver before they eat. Clearly i’m not alone as Luke D from Tripadvisor said it had ‘atmosphere like a sex offender’s wake’ and that you should ‘avoid it like a self harming ex-girlfriend that you owe money to’. If that isn’t convincing I don’t know what is.

But at least Pizza Paradise is actually open. It blows my mind that in a city as vibrant Edinburgh, filled with drunken students, there’s barely a single place that can get a licence past 12.

It seems that the only places open late are multinational corporations like Tesco, McDonalds and Scotmid, but they lack any real character. It’s not the proper late night food experience unless you can have a laugh with the guy behind the till as you struggle to wrap your tongue around the word “kebab” which you just can’t get from these places.

2am just isn’t enough

To make matters worse, McDonald’s is literally miles away from uni, making the journey from Cowgate at 3am feel like an Antarctic expedition. That is if the Antarctic was absolutely packed with rowdy idiots, instead of penguins. 

Looks more like a murder scene than a restaurant

You’d expect the heart of a capital city like Edinburgh to have a thriving community of greasy spoons all ready to cater for the thousands of clubbers, but there just isn’t. Honestly, it creates a real hole in the character of this city that goes beyond my drunken needs because these places make the city feel vibrant and alive.

At the moment, Edinburgh reminds me of my mum; she thinks she’s cool, but realistically she still goes to bed at 11.