Which presidential candidate is your halls?

Who’s feeling the Bern?


We all love the train wreck that is the U.S.’s electoral system, with many a drunken chat in smoking areas devoted to what your mate from halls thinks about Ted Cruz’s chances, despite the fact that he knows nothing about Ted Cruz.

Edinburgh is full of international students, and we all know the Scots love their politics as much as anyone else, so here’s a list of your halls. And some presidential candidates too. Enjoy.

Chancellors – Donald Trump

They’re big, they’re bold, and everyone knows who they are. Problem is that everyone also hates them.

They often complain that they’re only despised because they’re rich, but really it’s because they’re loud, crass, and have really stupid hair.

Once overheard at the JMCC saying that they should built a wall between them and all the poor people.

Grant – Bernie Sanders

They’ve been around for a while and no one’s really paid any attention to them. 

Now though they’ve been redecorated and all the cool kids want to hop on the bandwagon. People are starting to think they’re hip and know where the party’s at.

They’re still the butt of a lot of jokes – not very keen on ‘Grantanamo Bay’. Some say that the only Bern they’re feeling is the smell of the JMCC bins.

Holland – Hillary Clinton

They’re one of the oldest and most prestigious of the candidates. There’s never been a time when they haven’t been relevant.

They say they’re not like Chancellors at all, but since it cost a pretty hefty donation to get there, there’s a lot who aren’t too sure about that.

Definitely the safer and sleeker option to Grant. Wouldn’t use the computers in the micro-lab though, they’re on a public server.

John Burnett – Jeb Bush

In theory they have it all. They packaged themselves as the luxury option, the prize reserved for the biggest bidder – for those who believe that absurdly large en-suites are a necessity.

Only issue: they have absolutely zero personality. They’re boring and definitely not party animals – people often wonder if they even exist, probably because they’re too snooty to come to Sunday brunch.

They’ve got claims to Pollock royalty but they’re really just sorry ‘ol JB.

Fraiser Court – Ted Cruz

Are they from Pollock, or are they not?

People just can’t seem to get over that question despite their undeniable popularity. 

They’re self-catered and proud, but they constantly look like they’ve just smelt the mouldy bacon that’s been sitting at the back of their fridge for the last two months.

Ladies aren’t at all impressed

Kincaid’s Court – Ben Carson

“Most of the plaster casts we have of Pompeii victims show them basically just lying down and whatnot… If I had been in Pompeii and I heard Mt. Vesuvius erupting, you can bet I would have made a run for it.”

You can always expect golden quotes like this to come for Kincaid’s at 5am after a messy one at Cab Vol.

They think they’re filled with wisdom and wise words but really they’ve had one too many pingers and can’t string a coherent sentence together.

Always the most likely to send alarm bells ringing, whether that be fire alarms or media alarm.

Beaverbank – Marco Rubio

Immigration is a very big issue for them.

People have had low expectations for them since the get go, and although we’re slightly surprised when they’re not a flaming pile of shit, most of they’re supporters already realise they’ve backed the wrong horse.

Especially since they need a horse to get anywhere.

Potterow – Carly Fiorina

They came out of nowhere with no experience and lots of cash.

They’re flashy, and picked a loveable name, so to get down with the kids. Shame the kids couldn’t care less about what they have to offer.

Darroch Court – John Kasich

The blandest thing on the menu.

So bland that it actually hurts to look at – bland to the point where you feel bad for them.

Who are you? What are you? When can I leave?

JMCC – Chris Christie

JMCC may not be a halls, but then again Chris Christie was never really a candidate.

The first thought of them is always food. Lots of it. So why do they also fill your mouth with a taste of disgust?

Maybe it’s because they like to close down public services at the most inconvenient times possible.

Or perhaps it’s because the only emotion they really show is anger – try sneaking out an apple and you’ll definitely get a punch to the head.