What your favourite Edinburgh night out says about you

Whether you’re more S Club 8 than Stormzy, or enjoy tearfully strawpeadoing to Robbie Williams’ Angels, or even if you prefer drinking Red Stripe in a dusty cave, Edinburgh has a night perfect for you. However, what your usual haunt says about you may be more telling than you think…

Flare, Why Not

Awful

You’re almost definitely a fresher, and you’re probably beautiful.  You’re just making the most of your new found freedom of Uni life and have found somewhere where you can get a bottle of Prosecco for a fiver, while still keeping your classy exterior. Everyone is just like you and, despite the music, you know it’s the closest to the King’s Road you’re going to get.

You think it’s acceptable to wear a winter coat in a club and you started smoking for an excuse to stand in the smoking garden and mingle with LDN’s very best and brightest. But, this isn’t the only attraction of Why Not; the exclusivity of a booth or VIP area allows you to demonstrate your ego while lowkey sharking other naive freshers on the dance floor.

Working class vibez

Everyday, Hive

The King himself

The people who attend Hive fall under a few categories. Firstly, there are those of you who have ended up there after starting off somewhere else. You poor souls may have been aiming for Mash House, Why Not or Temple and hit the queue at the wrong time, or enjoyed a couple of hours there before getting bored and accepting the inevitability of Hive, and it’s hard to judge you for it. After all, only two things are certain in life; death and ending up in Hive.

But for those of you who aim for Hive, if you’re not a History Boy or a local, then you’re a renegade. You don’t start drinking till 11:30pm and when you do it’s straight Glens. You’re not fussy, any alcohol and any outfit will do. You’re a pro at avoiding the overly middle-aged predators, the sticky walls and the rancid tequila, and your biggest aim in life is getting a pic with Hive legend Michael Trang.

Hectors House, Cab Vol

Bet they fucking love Skepta

If you’re the type of person who queues for Hector’s on a Tuesday, then you’re undoubtedly a cool cat. You’re super into house and techno, or is it bass? Trance, maybe? Actually, it might even be electronica you like, you’re not sure anymore. But does it not all just sound the same? In the end, all you know is that Annie Mac’s spotify playlist is, like, so good.

As well as this, you encompass wavey garms. Like, you’re so wavey it hurts. You’re probably an intense member of The Basement and, despite being from a home county and only owning one track jacket and a Ralph Lauren cap, are the epitome of roadman.

The Sugar Club, Opal 

You’re either a 40-year-old balding male local or a yah.

Big Cheese, Potterow

There are two types of people in this world; people who adore Big Cheese, and people who despise it. There is no in between. It is the marmite of our time. The kind of people that love it, though, go every. single. week without fail. And only a certain type of person is that committed to anything in life. If you’re not out with the sports team you cling to to feel like you belong, then you’re a fourth year, medic, engineer or doing some other variety of antisocial degree.

You actually enjoy drinking snakebites and due to the fact that you can only drink on a weekend, somehow manage to stay drunk on VKs despite their 0.4% alcohol content. As well as this, you’re desperate to pull anything with a pulse, while comfortably not having to pretend to enjoy the music of Hectors House or Silk. Big Cheese is your comfort zone; it is colourful, safe and everyone’s happy.

Temple, Silk 

do u vape?

For those of you who favour Silk Thursdays, all you really want is a club that serves £1 drinks (you will 100% have to get your stomach pumped if you’re using your card) and which allows you to dance to Return of the Mack, or at the very least, Drunk in Love, and you found it. If you’re a guy you’re undoubtedly an alpha, and you probably own an obscene amount of snapbacks. If you’re a girl you’re likely a stunna, and have simply come with your gyaldem to listen to some 90s R&B and dance like nobody’s watching.

Propaganda, Liquid Rooms

strong

Lets be honest, for those of you who actually enjoy Liquid Rooms on a Friday, you must really miss the emo phase you went through between the ages of 12 and 14 and after realizing that it was the happiest time of your life, are attempting to recreate it through Busted and Blink 182. You own a shit load of band tshirts and check shirts and probably believe in the friend zone. Participants in Propaganda may also be found at Hive Trash Tuesdays.