Overheard at Pollock: The landing of the rah
Yup, these people really do exist
To some, arriving at their new home isn’t such an alien experience.
One young fresher, standing contemplatively with a Marlboro Gold in hand, said: “Pollock Halls LITERALLY just feels like being back at the boarding houses, albeit with more drinking, smoking and fewer investigations into child abuse”.
A fellow old boy, on a search for new friends outside Holland House, tried to introduce himself to a fellow resident by asking: “Hi, what’s your name and where do you ski?”
After the disappointment of hearing that their new friend was indeed a “Verbier man” and not a “Courchevlier” he decided to find common ground by asking which halls they called home. The Verbier man replied with: “I’m in John Burnett, actually.”
“John Burnett? I didn’t know that you guys existed.”
Elsewhere on campus, other first years were similarly comparing notes on accommodation.
An American student standing outside Chancellors Court was overheard saying: “I wanted a Chancellors en-suite because I didn’t fancy showering in a room scented by eau du vomit.
“The only bad thing about Chancellors Court is the warden. He’s thinking of banning alcohol from the pantries. Denial of fundamental human rights much?”
A previously quiet Law student, standing beside him, ensured that his friend could rest assured that their rights were protected. He chipped in: “Don’t worry. I’ll get daddio involved. #QC”
On the topic of injustice, one outraged student exclaimed their horror that days off for “shooting pheasants and what not” were not allowed.
Meanwhile, in the corridors of Turner house, another resident also feared that all their rights weren’t being fully protected, with their right to privacy lying in tatters.
The traumatised student whispered: “These cleaners march on in and get scrubbing without giving you any warning. I woke up in my pants this morning to a cleaner sweeping my floor. Worst thing about it… I think they might even have been a different pair to those I’d gone to sleep in”.
Over dinner, numerous students discussed first year rituals. One superstitious student asked his fellow diners whether they’d heard about the rumour that if you don’t climb Arthur’s seat during Freshers’ Week you have 4 years of bad sex.
In response, a Scottish Mathematics undergrad bluntly replied: “That’s just a correlation. It’s probably just because the fat ones can’t make it up the hill”.
Further down the table, two students questioned the logistics behind the JMCC’s decision to serve a different country’s cuisine every night.
The avid Geography and Economics student, with a look of concern on their unshaven face, asked: “Aren’t they going to run out of countries eventually? I mean… what are they going to do when they get to Eritrea? Just hand out a grain of rice and emergency rations?”
As Scotland prepares to allow 16 year-olds to vote, these overheard gems at Pollock Halls might single-handedly offer the strongest argument for rasing the age back to 21.