How to avoid your Freshers week stalker
You know that one person in your group you can’t wait to get rid of? No? Then it’s you.
Become a nightmare on nights out
Get horrendously plastered, vomit all over the Jimmy A’s toilets, and have to be walked home at 11.30 because you physically can’t support yourself. You may need to work this routine several times for it to be effective or you run the risk of it just confirming your ‘legend’ status. The ‘banter’ from the night may initially make being your carer worth it, but soon they’ll get tired of holding your hair back and realise what a massive setback you are to their own enjoyment.
Disagree with them at every possible opportunity
They like Peanut butter, you’re not fan. They’re a labour supporter, you’re a hard-core Tory. They’re a Kanye West person but you’re a Swifty and you’ll never forgive him for stealing Taylor’s magical moment back in 2009. There’s no getting past something this important. When there are compatibility issues this major, friendships can’t always be saved.
Move to the library
No self-respecting fresher should spend more than just exam period in the library, and maybe not even then. But why not break the mould and get into the habit early? It sets you up for almost guaranteed academic success, there’s wifi, £1 hot drinks, and it’s an excellent way to avoid certain people.
Pretend they’re not there
If things get really drastic and they’re still waking you up for 3am gossip sessions, then prepare to embrace your inner hard cold bitch. Hum when they talk to you, walk away when you see them approaching, push in front of them at the dinner queue, turn your music up when they knock on your door, and ignore any requests to borrow your phone to call the porter when they get locked out of their room at 11pm. They’ll get the message.
Set them up
Make a tinder profile for them with a flattering (and possibly unrealistic) photo and watch the offers come rolling in. Once your stalker has found true love they’ll start drastically reprioritising their social lives, transferring all their obsessive tendencies onto their new soul mate and leaving you with a care free life. Just make sure you’ve sufficiently distanced yourself for when the inevitable break-up occurs or you could find yourself even more suffocated than before.
Be decent about it
Keep being friendly to them and include them in whatever you’re doing until they’ve had time to ease off later in the term and find a new crew or two where they’re happy. Who knows, they might even turn out to be the best friend you never had and didn’t even know you were looking for.