‘Accidentally’ send them a text meant for your booty call

Why have a mature and respectful conversation when you can cut all cords with one simple text? This can either be a text meant for an actual booty call in which case you don’t have to worry about it seeming genuine (and by the way congratulations on moving on so fast) or a falsified one designed solely to get the message across.

Try to include specific criticism of your soon-to-be-ex’s technique or physique – no relationship is going to survive the realization that after two years they didn’t actually know how to go down.

Kinky

Send a naked photo of you at a really bad angle

You might think that love transcends all boundaries and your mutual adoration of alt-reggae dub is the only thing needed to keep you together, but there’s nothing that a bit of pressure and a shot from below camera angle can’t destroy. If you can get the holy trinity of cellulite, pot belly and triple chin into one photo you’re guaranteed to be single within the hour.

‘Look at mah sexy bodeh’

Tell them every minute detail of your life

Believe it or not, your other half does not give a shit about how long it took you to clean the dishes the other day or the catastrophe with the spilt mayonnaise. The phrase ‘you had to be there’ could not have more relevance than when they’re 1500 miles away and living a life all of their own and with every anecdotal story you’ll come one step closer to singledom.

About as boring as it looks

Sleep with their best friend

A beautifully simple way to end any committed relationship. It may take some coaxing to get the friend on-board, but it’s nothing an offer of free KFC for a month won’t solve. There may also be a slight underlying feeling of guilt that comes from being a morally abhorrent human being, but once again fried chicken and maybe a bit of gin will easily numb this till you can afford counselling.

You can always eat away the pain

Tell them it’s over

Bite the bullet and be honest with them. It may involve a lot of pleas and crying but at least this way there’s a chance that you can be friends in many, many years’ time. Maybe.

Results may vary