This is which Cambridge college the Desperate Housewives characters would go to

Very middle class. Lots of fancy dinners. Gossip spreading like wildfire. Am I describing Cambridge or Wisteria Lane?


Cambridge and Wisteria lane have a lot in common – both have constant drama and everyone knows everyone…for better or worse. But what college would the stars attend?

Bree – Magdalene

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A stickler for tradition, Bree would feel right at home here. She’d lead the (white tie!) May Ball committee under an iron fist and it would be the most magical night you’ve ever experienced. She’d also probably be a trophy girlfriend for a CUCA/Union boy and help with port selections for their socials. She’d give recipe suggestions to Catering and would have a Notion page so insanely organised that selling the template would fund her college bill.

Susan – Newnham

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Susan applied to Caius and got pooled. She initially would’ve acted like an all-girls college was like being drafted onto the Western Front, until actually getting there and realising it was actually pretty good vibes. Not meeting lads from college, she’d have an insane Rumboogie and Lola’s attendance and an incredible work rate once she’s in there; slight pick-me cockblocker rizz but it works. She’d also do Architecture, and piss everyone off in exam term complaining about her boredom, while we’re all in the library trying to find our will to live.

Gabby – Tit Hall

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Gabby got pooled from Trinity and would’ve also had a massive complex about it, until realising that being a big fish in a small pond would serve her extremely well. Her Sidgwick fits would get her several Crushbridges a week; I see her as a law girlie who loves Elle Woods and arguing. She’d also tactically go to investment banking socials – not because she wants to be in finance, but because she wants to be wifed by someone who is. She’d get over the dark academia vibe pretty quickly and become one of those people who goes to London every weekend, posting stories at bougie restaurants and events. The prestige of a Cambridge degree (no matter the class) and a husband from here is all she’s fussed about really. She’s also secretly shagging a fresher for all of Lent!

Lynette – Lucy Cavendish

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Lynette has never known a moment’s peace in her life. Not only has she ended up a million miles away from most of her friends, she’d probably get herself caught in the thick of some stupid JCR or accommodation kitchen drama. Being the girlboss she is, she’d do something like econ – a massive sausage fest with way too much maths and way too many finance bros. She’d be on top of her LinkedIn and would spend most of Michaelmas being stressed out over internship applications and all the societies she’s joined to strengthen them. The only one she’d actually enjoy would be rugby because she’d use it as stress release and an excuse to push people.

Edie – Oxford

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Edie is an agent of chaos. I’d pin her at Corpus Oxford specifically, because she’d come over specifically to cause trouble and leave. She’d definitely have a swipe through Tinder while she’s up here though, just to see the talent and have an excuse to keep coming back.

Tom – Darwin

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During his comeback to higher education, Tom applied to Cambridge for the shits, and he applied to Darwin because of DarBar specifically. This guy is here for uni, not university – he is a sports night boy to his core. He’s got a ridiculous amount of costumes at hand and a lot of incriminating photos of himself from nights out. He manages to lock down a girlfriend who basically acts like his mum a week in and is having a great time because of it. Upon seeing his mock results he promptly drops out.

Karl – John’s

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Karl Mayer is a quintessential John’s lad™. Intrinsically terrible, but just about entertaining and charming enough to get away with not being blacklisted completely. He’d be a drinking soc president who’s on it when it comes to organising swaps and would concoct initiations that make Bushtucker trials look appetising. He’d probably be pleasant enough for a conversation one-on-one and generous when it comes to ordering rounds, but there’s no ignoring the horror stories floating around. You kinda don’t hate him as much as you should. A (loving) avoid.

Carlos – Jesus

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Carlos would have been very loose, very rowdy, and very mouthy in the first term, but then something very sobering would’ve happened to make him suddenly fix up. Something like an embarrassing injury, an inappropriate chunder or a regretful pull. He’d settle into being an occasional pub boy and throw himself into work, and sports and would have a soft spot for outreach/access work. One of the few men to start at Cambridge and leave as a kinder person…a happy ending!

Mike – None

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This is a trick question. Mike Delfino wouldn’t be caught dead applying here. At most he’d be dragged to Cambridge on a day trip and find it Just Fine. He’d rate Sidbar.

Orson – Trinity

Orson would lean heavily into the old boy’s vibe. As in, having classical music playing while sipping on red wine and hosting a salon brimming with intellectual discussion with his mates. This intellectual discussion would naturally be unbearable and completely out of touch. He’d be polite and open-minded to your face but would probably apply hand sanitiser after shaking hands with someone from a post-1900 college. He’s convinced he’s one of the great minds of our time. He is not, and at least one person in his circle probably deserves jail time.

Featured image credits: ABC

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