We asked Cambridge students to send us their favourite Tinder messages

In spirit of V********’s Day, we asked Cambridge students to send us their favourite Tinder messages, and oh, they did not disappoint. If William Wordsworth and Lord Byron, arguably a couple of the greatest (big and small R) Romantic poets to ever exist AND Cambridge alumni, were subjected to reading the same sauceless messages that I’ve had to filter through, they would rise from the grave. 

I was never entirely convinced by my friends who claimed to be on Tinder ‘AS A JOKE. ONLY AS A JOKE. BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY. THAT’S THE ONLY REASON.’ But I have to say, they’re on to something. The Cambridge Tinder scene is a place of mystique and wonder, champagne socialists and budding poets alike, with a sprinkling of mathmo. 

With V********’s Day closing in, let this be a reminder of what happens when academic rigour and nervous chat collide. There’s nothing that produces quite the same effect as an appendix-related pick-up line, as you’ll soon see. Ah, only in Cambridge would that impress. 

Before we begin, just a quick reminder of the gruelling and highly specialised interview process that filtered through some of the brightest minds of our generation. To quote Toope in the 2021 University Prospectus, Cambridge welcomes students who “produce new insights that shift and deepen our understand of the world.”

In that case, The Tab presents to you, Cambridge’s best foot forward:

1. The one where it sounded better in their head than on text

Oh, the irony.

My Great Aunt sneaking a word in at the end?

NOT THE EMOJIS!!!!

This is the point where I would probably give up.

Did I just have to call an Econ friend to explain this to me? Yes. Do I now have knowledge about the free market economy that I don’t know what to do with? Yes. Did aforementioned Econ friend comment, ‘That’s tragic, I can’t lie’ ? Yes.

2. The one that HAS to bring Marx into everything

I once got a: “Can I seize your means of reproduction?” … Bit aggressive that.

They strike again!

3. The star-crossed lover

“I once matched with someone from Oxf*rd, proceed to make a joke about them going to Oxf*rd and proceeded to get unmatched.” And the moral of the story is …  don’t fraternise with the enemy x

“‘I have a policy that I can never f*ck, marry or kill a fellow Classicist.’ Then I never messaged him again.” This is a man of strong principles.

“I’m at Girton, so you’d have to be up for a long-distance thing.” Watch out for the time-difference, just saying. 

4. The one that clearly gets hyped-up a bit too much by their friends.

A 3 hour tripos?? Oooo, shiver me timbers.

‘Sent’

Hold on a minute-  a SERIAL OFFENDER!!!

MONEY?!!!???!!!

Now THAT’S impressive. Not bad, not bad.

5. The one where I’m not quite sure what’s going on

Am I scared? Am I impressed? Perhaps both?

Scathing.

Something about this… charms me :’)

Fruit-related flirtation? I’m not opposed.

To quote my source, ‘I refuse to google what palimpsest means xo’

6. The fact that I have to make an appendix subheading is enough as it is

A medic with chat, it seems.

Another one? ONLY in Cambridge. Funny though x

7. The one that probably got slated on the group-chat

“I told someone what college I went to and was told “I’m sorry” and then they unmatched me.” Who were they and where can I find them?  😀 Asking for a friend. 

Little…bonus…fact… keep it to yourself maybe next time x

The S P R E A D S H E E T . Oh, I’m angry. This man is digging his own grave, RED FLAG. Also the fact that my sources from the last two were the same person, do you need a hug?

To quote from an earlier bachelor, ‘Calm down, dear’.

And that’s only the HALF of it, but the less PG messaeges are going to stay in the group-chats because my future employers or my mother could be reading (hi mum!).

If you recognised yourself here, for one reason or another, you were CLEARLY memorable and are currently living in someone’s mind rent-free. For better, or for worse!

Feature Image Credit: Author’s own, screenshot of the Tinder logo.

Related articles recommended by this author:

• Everything you need to feel the love in week 4

• The seven Types of Cambridge boy you’ll meet on Tinder 

•Love in Lockdown: A guide to Covid-era Cambridge dating