News Column: Week Five

Week five has been a week: from lockdown measures and essay crises, to my free Pret subscription finally expiring and the suspicious disappearance of Richmond vegan sausages from both Mainsbury’s and Farawaysbury’s, it’s definitely been a week which has kept up the week five reputation.

But Cambridge is, as always, evolving to these unprecedented times two: electric boogaloo, as shown by this week’s news round-up:

Virtual formals at Homerton and Peterhouse

If you need an excuse to dress up and sit in your room for the evening, say no more! Homerton College has arranged a virtual formal hall for next Tuesday. The College will deliver a three-course meal: including crevettes, chicken breast and chocolate torte (clearly they’ve gone with a C theme here) to your door, alongside a quarter of a bottle of wine and a bottle of apple juice for the mere price of £15. Students are then invited to join the Principal and Fellows over zoom to eat, so if you thought a virtual formal would mean you don’t have to worry about your table manners, think again. Tickets went on sale at 9am today and I’m sure all Homerton students were sat at their laptops at 9am on the dot to be one of the lucky 200 diners.

Not to be outdone, Peterhouse are also introducing take-away formals every friday for a cheeky £7 – although wine is not included and you have to pick it up yourself *shudders*. 

Downing opens an off-licence

Likewise, if you’ve missed being ripped off by extortionately priced Jaegerbombs, Downing has the solution. The College has adapted to new government restrictions by opening an off-licence selling beer, wine and cider from their buttery from 4pm-9pm. Drinks can be ordered from an app and collected, with students being required to drink their bevs in their rooms. It’s not quite the Maypole but it’ll do, I guess. 

Puppy therapy at Churchill

Churchill College has revived their puppy therapy this week, with students being able to take the Domestic Bursar’s dog for walks around the field every week for the rest of term! 

Not to be dramatic, but I’d die for Max Photo credits: Bella Biddle

 Max is a seven-year-old chocolate Labrador and has been coming to visit Churchill since he was a puppy, usually around exam time but the College “thought some lockdown love was in order”. Honestly, the prospect of seeing Max again in Easter term is almost making me look forward to exams. 

Procrastination opportunities at Peterhouse and John’s 

If you haven’t been played around enough this term by Cambridge boys, your supervisors and ever-changing government guidance, worry not! St John’s and Peterhouse have both introduced board games into their library. Honestly, it’s as if they’re asking students to procrastinate their degree at this point. Still, what does it matter if we’ve lost a term of Wednesday Cindies when you can win a game of Monopoly!

Economic students told off for not attending lectures

Economic students received an email this week from faculty members telling students off for not attending their live lectures. Not dedicating your life to your degree, in this economy? Shocking stuff. 

Applications for University Challenge are open

Sick of being the cleverest person in the room (or zoom)? Gutted to find out that not everyone at Cambridge is a genius after all? Mourning the lack of 2am intellectual chats about the meaning of life that you’ve been dreaming of since you were six, just to find out that Cambridge students would rather drink VK and chat shit for four consecutive hours?

Yeah me neither, however if this is you: we have the solution! University Challenge has opened up applications for next year’s series, filming in February 2021 and honestly, what better way to become a BNOC? 

Let’s see if week six is any less relentless than this one (and if online lecture attendance can reach any greater depths…)

Feature image credits: Ella Fogg