News Column: Week Two

A week of Homerton attempting to stay relevant

It’s week two, roughly one in 110 of us have asymptomatic covid, one in five of us are having an essay crisis (the other four are STEM students)  and everyone’s missing their mum’s homemade cooking after two weeks of pesto pasta

Everything’s getting darker: the evenings, the coffee which is sustaining your all-nighter, and the colour-scale on the Covid map. So, have some week two news to combat the week two blues. 

For once it pays not to be at a central college

Everything’s kicking off at Homerton

In the name of #stoppingthespread, Homerton have made 232 students in an accomodation block self-isolate for two weeks. Isolating students at Homerton are up-in-arms about food: students have “repeatedly… been given the wrong food, or food simply hasn’t shown up, with no refund offered” and the college has “banned” takeaways. Homerton has allegedly responded to these complaints about the lack of food provisions by claiming that isolating should have supplies since Homerton is not a “catered college” and that students should have food supplies, despite students claiming that they don’t have “more than half a fridge shelf each, or freezers or ovens”. 

Only Cambridge could give you one fridge between 12, and then complain when you have no food in there!

Students not currently isolating are determined not to be outdone: a student in third year accommodation has managed to set off the fire alarm at 2am for two days in a row. Forget the revolution starts at home, the revolution is starting at Homerton if this week’s events continue. 

The return of Medwards portable accommodation???

Trinity dining hall could never! Photo Credits: Allison OMalley Graham

Fear was spread throughout Medwards the other day as students sighted the return of 2018’s dreaded portable accommodation cabins in the car park/herb garden. Yet, worry not! Rather than being used to house self-isolating students/ subject students breaking Covid rules to the infamous “ticking” noise, Medwards are using the cabins as dining spaces for students in accommodation without communal areas, where the kitchens are described as being “small enough that you can touch both sides if you have broad shoulders”. 

Supos in Revs queue?

New benefits to online learning are being found everywhere. Lectures from your bed are a blessing, how did any of us actually make it to our 9am practicals last year? But in exploiting this new-found freedom, be careful to turn your mic and camera off if attempting to two-time your supervisor: a Churchill student attempting to complete their supo and get into Revs before last entry at 7pm was outed by their supervisor for their background when they tried to claim “internet connection issues” as a reason for leaving their supo ten minutes early. 

Fight for fries?

A fight broke out outside Byron Burgerslate last Friday. We’re unsure of the reasons behind this, but sources tell us that knives were being thrown around and a crowd quickly gather (hopefully  this crowd was under six and maintaining social distancing.) In other shocking Byron news, the 50 per cent student discount on Tuesdays has been shifted to Wednesday, although I’d hazard a guess that this wasn’t the cause of the fight. 

A new way to Zoom

Cycling is soooo last year. The Swedish company “Voi” have installed a fleet of electric scooters in Cambridge in the first large-scale electric scooter trial in the UK – so of course, The Tab had to try them. They can be rented for 20p a minute and are set to be this year’s next best thing, following last year’s college puffer craze. Do you ever go to Cambridge if you’re not scooting to Mainsbury’s??

Vexatious visitor policies at Peterhouse

Peterhouse Covid guidelines are allegedly allowing MCR members, but not JCR members, to bring external guests into college. They are also being granted the privilege of being able to entertain guests in their household’s communal spaces, with consent from the rest of the household, which has been denied to JCR members.  Seeing as the Covid-19 risk increases with age, the only possible conclusion here must be bias towards older students, which is fitting for Cambridge’s oldest college. 

Porters are on the prowl

Downing students managed to get portered by Judge Business school at the late hour of 10pm this week after noise complaints. Alas, there was not an illicit rave in sight – just five people having a cup of tea in the kitchen. Determined not to be outdone on any front, Homerton porters took drastic measures to outdo them and top the *over-the-top Porter leadership board* (I’m convinced this exists) by portering students at 5pm. 

Horny Churchill students

Me and you both anonymous ground-floor student Photo credits: Anonymous Camfess

A Churchill household has requested nudes via post-it notes on their window this week. Whether they’re self-isolating, or just a Mathmos in need of some action is unclear, although rumour has it Mathmos have been ‘isolating’ since 1999. 

Emma students demonstrate their strong pull-out game 

Grudgebridge to the staircase at emma who have decided collectively to pull out of the testing scheme so as to avoid…

Posted by Grudgebridge on Wednesday, 21 October 2020

In an attempt to avoid the dreaded two-week self-isolation, one household at Emma has collectively decided to pull out of the asymptomatic testing scheme, according to the reliable source of Grudgebridge. Your pull-out game may be strong, but this is truly tiny dick energy. 

Another exciting week of avoiding Covid, porters, and work.

Peterhouse College and Homerton College have been contacted for comment.

Feature image credit: Ella Fogg