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Which Apprentice candidate is your college?

You know you want to know

Shahin: St Edmund’s

Shahin went out in week one and we can all barely remember him now so he’s clearly a grad college, because who remembers them most of the time? But the fact he had the same haircut as Tintin and that his insta is entirely memes shows that he’s definitely Eddie’s because Eddie’s Ents gives off vague kids first house party vibes.

Lottie: Newnham

Lottie is properly posh and reminds me uncomfortably of doing group projects at all girls’ school. Newnham also reminds me uncomfortably of all girls’ school and it’s definitely a bit posh. As far as I know the comparison ends there because I don’t think Newnham is currently embroiled in a racism scandal.

Thomas: Churchill

Thomas and Churchill both have a certain brutalist charm. And frankly Thomas could terrify people into applying direct to Churchill, they should get him in for open days.

Souleyman: Jesus

Souleyman is a para athlete, Jesus is similarly full of sporty people. That’s really where this one ends, sorry lads.

Dean: Homerton

Dean is a baby faced bloke from Essex, which is unsurprising because he’s only twenty. The baby of Cambridge colleges is Homerton, made part of the university in 1976.

Carina: Corpus Christi

Carina claims to be a ‘pocket rocket’ because she is so small and Corpus Christi is also very small. I’m not sure anyone at Corpus would use the phrase ‘pocket rocket’ but feel free to let me know if I’m wrong.

Scarlett: Pembroke

Scarlett sort of looks like she’s trying to be Ariana Grande in her Instagram photos and you know who else is trying to be something they are not? It is Pembroke College. Cambridge, whose students like to claim theirs is the oldest college when it blatantly isn’t.

Jemelin: Selwyn

Jemelin has honestly been quite inoffensive and bland so far and tbh have you ever heard something terrible about Selwyn? Frankly I’m struggling to think of having heard anything about Selwyn. It’s just sort of there, and so is Jemelin for now.

Lewis: Queen’s

Lewis is just a bit of a melt to be honest but also he’s apparently a Youtuber? And for some reason every Cambridge vlogger seems to go to Queens so that’s the reason for this association. I’ve also heard that Queens always has a terrible May Ball which is a bit like Lewis overpromising on the safari task in week one.

Lubna: Trinity

Lubna’s a proper overachiever, having had a scholarship at uni, getting a first and now being a chartered accountant. Trin is also full of overachievers, trying to get firsts so they can make it onto the coveted scholar’s ballot.

Riyonn: St Catherine’s

Riyonn just seems like he’d be really fun because he pretended to be Beyonce eating a chilli in his audition tape and Catz is meant to be the fun college (idk where this stereotype came from but it was some good marketing anyway).

Pamela: Emmanuel

Pamela still lives with her Mum and Emma students are similarly babied because they get their washing done for them. The blue dress she wore in her promo photo looks kind of like a duck pond/secret swimming pool if you squint.

Iasha: Magdelene

Iasha described herself as ‘crazy’ and ‘controversial’ and you know what else is crazy and controversial? Not letting women into your college until 1988. And Iasha wore a suit which is the same dodgy yellow as Magdelene’s new bar (she definitely wore it better).

Kenna: Gonville and Caius

Kenna was responsible for the worst looking ice lollies ever and Caius is notorious for having terrible food so it probably wouldn’t be that surprising if those ice lollies resurfaced in the Caius buttery.

Ryan-Mark: Peterhouse

Look I’m sorry but Ryan-Mark would 100% have gone to the Adonians’ dinner because he’d clearly be into its exclusivity and Peterhouse clearly know about luxury, being so filthy rich that they give away port every term just to burn some money. A Petrean would also definitely be weird enough to call slime soporific.

Marianne: Girton

Marianne has been very forgettable so far and also is from the US, which is very far away. Girton is also so far away that you could pretty much forget it exists. Until this moment I thought Pamela and Marianne were the same person and I used to think Homerton and Girton were in the same place so…that’s similar I guess.

Cover image: Alan sugar from Wikimedia Commons, Peterhouse with permission from the college