What type of big coat energy are you?

Winter is coming, and so, as M&S helpfully remind us, is big coat season. Yet not all big coats were created equal: some hold colossal energies, some damp squibs. Which one are you sheltering yourself from the Fens’ chill in, and what does it say about you?

THE TRENCH COAT

Her life's together. (Burberry/ sold by Nordstrom)

Depends on how you wear it. Done up: you are still devoted to the mildly skinny jean; you like a ballet pump, and you absolutely own a pukka pad. However, its classic edge gives a boost to the overall energy levels- you could probably absolutely pull off a severe parting and you can parallel park, so I am scared of you.

35% energy, too organised.

Look at those trainers. Chaos. (Sandro.)

Open, on the other hand? You are deeply chaotic. You smoke roll-ups but not well. You are constantly in a rush and never put this coat on properly. Mildly large energy, subsided by the fact that you get caught on everything.

THE DUFFLE COAT

Wholesome. (ASOS)

You are committed to being warm, and I respect that. Definitely a fan of knitwear and indisputably organised. Either very cute or deeply stylish. I am concerned about your range of movement in that heavy felt but then again, look at the duffle’s most outspoken proponent: Paddington. Embodiment of massive energy. Hard to call.

PARKA

You've never seen anyone wear a parka like that.

The evolution of the parka from its glory days: from the most chaotic man alive in the nineties and the embodiment of big coat energy, Liam Gallagher, to its mum coat status that now deeply upsets me. The parka tells me you don’t care, you just want to be warm and covered and not have to wash it too much. In its own way there’s actually a special kind of energy in that.

FLUFFY JACKETS

This will look nice for two weeks, max. (Amazon)

Cuckoo coats: they may be physically and visually massive but they actually carry very little energy unless they are at either end of the spectrum: understated as hell or like, actually scorching your retina. Also, very easy to get matted which does diminish their power.

The pink fluffy jacket does not bear writing about.

THIS VERY SPECIFIC EIGHTEENTH CENTURY LIBERTINES STYLE COAT FOR WHICH I HAVE AN UNSPEAKABLE YEARNING

Sheer power. (Joe Browns)

Look, the only person I feel is capable of pulling off this absolutely massive coat is Pete Doherty about ten years ago and, quite frankly, I think anyone else who can do it could also negotiate Brexit.

NO COAT

Almost the biggest big coat energy of all – the sheer audacity of refusing to fall into the comforting traditional big coat and instead stepping, vulnerable, into the world of sleet and hail and badgered Christmas shoppers – but broken by the fact that no one really looks like they’re enjoying their lack of coat.

PUFFA JACKET

You know this man. (11 Degrees, sold by Time Clothing.)

Men in puffa jackets have either never done exercise more strenuous than a TURF night or they cycle all the time and don’t shut up about it. Either way they’re both very warm, so a strong coat. Everyone else wears hoops religiously, thinks ASOS is a substitute for a personality and would definitely barge you out the way in a shop. Low energy.

ANORAKS/ ANYTHING FROM MOUNTAIN WAREHOUSE

Never, ever soggy. (Mountain Warehouse)

If you are that willing to sacrifice style and personal comfort- not to mention your freedom to move without rustling- all in the name of never ever being caught out by rain then I salute you, I respect you, and I will never understand you.

CANADA GOOSE

Look at her face. She knows. (Canada Goose, sold by Amazon)

You either know why you’re wrong and you’re a twat, or you don’t and you’re going to feel terrible after reading this and doing a quick google. Shame is not big coat energy.

HOUNDSTOOTH COATS

So. Cool. (Graham and Spencer)

I’ve never met anyone wearing one of these who wasn’t cool in a sort of thespian, intellectual, bohemian way. This coat tells me you are on your way to rehearsal, then black coffee at midnight with some gorgeous French existentialist while jazz plays. Extremely big big coat energy.

FARMER JACKETS

This coat is sold by Farmer's Friend and that is all you need to know.

In a city environment these are massive: they remind me of old yokels going to London Town and being really hacked off about everything. This coat says: I’m not going to change for you. This coat says: I could walk a dog or do light handiwork with only this coat. This coat has everything you will ever need in the A4 sized pockets. Respect this coat, but fear it.

Enjoy big coat season my friends!