Horoscopes: the May Week edition

Aries (March 21- April 19)

You charge into each May Ball with high hopes and dreams, determined to get your money’s worth. At Jesus May Ball you start off by downing 14 glasses of prosecco, before making your way onto the stronger spirits. Your constant refrain to those (un)fortunate enough to be around you is that you “can’t help being a legend”.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You have saved up all year and sold your soul for a Trinity ticket. You have a taste for the finer things in life and look forward to “celebrating 152 years of excellence”. Your friends, who were unsuccessful in the ticketing ballot, are planning on spending the night watching Love Island. Secretly, you would rather be doing that.

Clink clink?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You have scheduled an average of 2.7 events for each day in May Week. Your wiser friends tell you this is not an advisable plan of action. You refuse to take heed of their insights. Mid-week, you awaken to find yourself lying in a puddle of vomit by the Van of Death. You have no recollection of how you got there and proceed to eat someone else’s discarded burger off the floor whilst questioning your life decisions.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’re just glad to be finished with this year. Each morning, your bedder finds you curled up in bed in darkness watching Netflix and eating dry cornflakes. Too right. You’re doing amazing sweetie. Indulgence and self-care are important – it’s not all about partying.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You social butterfly, you. You insist that you must go to a different event with each of your friendship groups. You have been networking for tickets since Michaelmas and everyone is sick of seeing your name on the Cambridge May Ball Marketplace. In order to fund your thriving social life, you have resorted to eating a diet of plain rice and ketchup for the past 2 months (unsurprisingly, the recent kerfuffle surrounding Meat Free Monday has totally gone right over your head).

Also, this is definitely your homepage.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You need to reassess your Instagram story content. You are losing 10 followers a day due to your prolific and persistent punting posts – your friends from home aren’t buying it. Perhaps a trip to Grantchester with a new love interest could win them over?

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

As the clock strikes midnight, you sprint away from your chirpse and make a beeline for the Aromi pizza stand. You leave your shoe stuck in the grass in the process. Sadly this isn’t a Cinderella love story – despite your frequent online posting and trips to the Porters, your glass slipper is nowhere to be found.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

It’s all happening in your room: pre drinks, nightly college gatherings, the lot. Be careful, there could be a snake in the grass – your neighbour may smile at you awkwardly in the buttery, but they won’t hesitate to call the Porters when they are wanting some shut-eye.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius is a fire sign – you certainly keep this close to home by downloading a certain app on your phone. Despite telling your friends that ‘tinder is soo stupid’ all year, here you are. Will your swiping powers go to your head or is a May Week romance on the cards?

Love at first…swipe?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

As you enter preparations for the week to come, you reassure yourself that the key to success is the three Rs: reliability, resilience, readiness. Your list of “basic necessities” for each event include Lucozade tablets, hayfever medication, hand sanitiser, safety pins and Listerine. You are the keen kid on the group chat who organises taxis and coordinates plans for each night. Well done. We all need a Capricorn in our life.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Cool cat, groovy goose, quirky quetzal. You are far too edgy for the “mainstream” May Balls. You rock up to King’s Affair doused in gold body paint and glitter. You spend the night apologising for leaving metallic stains on any surfaces you touch. Regardless of how good the event actually is, you are set to have a great time because you are determined to get a nice new Instagram photo (thanks Huji!).

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You enjoy the Casino at the ball, but soon realise that poker chips aren’t really your kind of chip. You yearn for those halcyon nights in Michaelmas spent frolicking between the Van of Life and Gardies. McDonald’s is not open for chips at the moment, but your heart is. Can endless prosecco and artisanal wraps really fill the void?

Until next time, Cantabs. This is your resident Horoscope extraordinaires, over and out.