Baewatch: How to hack the love of your life

Entirely for research purposes, I ran a quick Google search of the commonly uttered phrase "how to get someone to like you", revealing 132 million results and several looks of concern from people around me, because I did this in public. "I’ll have you know," four thousand internet voices chime in unison, "that there are several CONFIRMED methods and techniques which can rewire someone’s autonomy and make them love you". I mean, I know everything online is true and all, but remember this: all love advice columns are equal, but some love advice columns are more equal than others.

Therefore, I have recycled and upgraded some love advice from the Interweb. Print out these words, memorise them, write them in your exams. You WILL get a lover. And a first.

On my Internet travels I also learnt that Stardew Valley is an indie revamp of Farmville. Apparently, some of us also need love in the form of pastel grunge digital vegetation. Hang in there friends.

Say my name, say my name

Right from the moment you reveal your name, understand that you are revealing something greater than a practical mode of identification. Exhibit A: Once upon a time someone mistook my name to be Polly, and too polite to correct them (they’re probably right, after all), this is who I came to be.

I’m basically Hannah Montana, except I’m just that slightly underwhelming girl called Polly who dresses like a grandma and pronounces her H’s like P’s. To avoid such disaster, just establish a new name from the outset, like Sex-Goddess-Cool-Gal-Totally-Chill-But-Also-Bow-Down-To-Me-I-Will-Change-Your-Life, or something. Whatever, it’s casual.

Cultivate a loveable aesthetic

Here are some ideas to get the ball rolling:

1. Do something to your hair. Maybe a buzzcut – I've seen a few of those around recently. I automatically know that these people are definitely on my wavelength, and now I don't even need to stalk their Instagrams to confirm this. Score!

2. Find a signature scent. Spray it on every item of clothing you own. Spray it on your lover when you chat. They will always think of you, in some form, when they smell Zara Joyful Tuberose.

3. Characterise yourself with theme music. Once you have chosen your desired track, play it on loop from some portable speakers you have sellotaped to your forehead. Subtle. Attractive.

Lend a hand

What better way to bond than to help one another in collective times of academic struggle? Making yourself available when you really cannot afford to be is H – O – T. So no, Edgar is absolutely not taking liberties by asking you to write his essays for him. Edgar is a sensitive soul, and is very grateful for your help.

Find and share common interests

The golden rule, apparently, is to never fake your interests and to stay true to yourself sweetie. I disagree. Did Romeo and Juliet thrive off of an “organic connection” and “genuine enthusiasm for the same things”? Exactly.

In the grander scheme of things, a little white lie never hurts anyone. So the Love of Your Life sings? So do you (like a whale)! They play rugby? Like, no way, same (once, in primary school. It was a game of tag rugby and you cried when you tripped over your own shoelace). They’re vegan? Hooray, you are all about that plant-based life (a potato is a plant that you enjoy very much with a side of meat).

Your lover will be so taken aback by your profound likeness to one-another that they won’t even bother to talk in depth about the technicalities of your shared interests. At all. Trust me. If you’re struggling to get the chat flowing just stop attempting to converse and shout out some generic activities until you hit the jackpot. Swimming! Painting! Crying next to the fridge at 2am! Ah, just like a marginally less exciting wheel of fortune, you spin.

I hope it lands on self-deprecation.

Spend time together

Do lectures count? Lectures count.

…

They definitely count.

Leave reminders that you care

Like a crumpled up shopping list, or a book on sex in the Middle Ages.

Laugh together

Laughter is the gateway to intimacy, so make sure to cement that connection by laughing at absolutely everything your lover says.

"Hi how a–"

"HA. Oh wow Edgar you are SO FUNNY."

"What did I do I don-"

*Banging your fists on the table which has suddenly appeared*

"Stop it I am CRYING. Pheew. Sorry, sorry, let me just calm dow–HAHA. Wow. Wow."

"Okay um I think I’ve um yeah I’ve just realised I need to like go. Yeah I need to go."

Edgar leaves. You are still laughing as he walks out the door. Hysterically. Play it cool. Play. It. Cool. What an absolute joker. Okay, he’s gone. Annnnnd compose yourself. That went great.

Give a small gift occasionally (??????)

Okay Internet, I'm going to have to stop you there. Why would the Love of Your Life want a keyring to say congratulations for going to your supervision and returning unscathed when the greatest gift they will ever receive is you? Me?

Oh, don't mind me, I'm just here, LIGHTING UP YOUR WORLD. I'll see myself out.

Don't do this. Poor advice. 3/10.