BEST BUMS 2017: Where to take your best bums picture
The salacious summary
Best Bums 2k17 is HERE. It’s time for Cambridge to show off its assets (39,344 cheeks last time I checked). So if you’re looking for a competitive edge, you’re going to need a top quality location.
So, in its infinite wisdom, the Tab has compiled this list of the spiciest spots for your scintillating snaps. Will you brave the porters’ wrath to score a shot of the Mathematical Bridge, will you be blessed enough to bag a bum pic in the chapel, or will you teach other Cantabs a lesson and get one in a lecture hall?
If your cheeks were sculpted by the Gods, then King’s Chapel is your Olympus. Getting a shot outside King’s chapel is daring enough, but what about getting one inside? This is a Mecca for bodacious booties, Valhalla for rambunctious rumps, the Elysian Fields of curvaceous cabooses. Enter if you dare.
The Mathematical Bridge
If you think your buttocks are a marvel of engineering, look no further than Cambridge’s finest structural achievement. Mirroring your surroundings is always a good idea when it comes to your bum pic. So absolute symmetry and a subtle curvature will give you an extra advantage here. This one will take courage though, the notoriously zealous Queens’ porters guard their prized tourist attraction with an unrivalled ferocity. So get there early and be prepared to leg it if pursued.
What better procrastination than baring your tush for the Tab? The UL has no lack of nooks and crannies where you can show off your tukhus to the students of Cambridge and of course to the collection of dusty periodicals that line the shelves of the North Wing. The promise of fame, glory and universal appreciation is surely far more alluring than your reading about 12th Century Armenian monasteries. All pictures featuring illicit backpacks or drinks other than bottled water will be reported to the authorities. You’ve been warned.
Trinity Great Court
Brave the bowler-hatted secret police (a.k.a the porters) and your bum picture will be a real contender. Tourists may be overwhelmed by the scale and grandeur of this vast edifice, but Cantabs know better. This illustrious place was destined not to be a place of learning and tradition but to be the perfect backdrop for salacious shots of nude students. This will definitely be a story for the grandkids.
They say who dares wins, and nothing is more daring than putting your precious posterior in peril. The Cam is a harsh mistress but her choppy waters bear the promise of Best Bums 2k17 glory. Every year, intrepid rowers and punters make daring voyages onto the briny deep in search of the perfect picture.
Pay attention to your surroundings, though – piranha attacks and gawking tourists await the unwary, while über-aesthetic shots of the Wren Library or the Bridge of Sighs are up for grabs for the most skilled navigators. Bring your compass, and failing that, the stars will be your guide. Godspeed to you, Cantabs.
Anyone who’s ever been for a morning run across the great plains of Cambridgeshire will know that the stunning sunrise is the perfect companion for your full moon. The brisk jog (or marathon for our dear Girtonians) to the shoot location is the best way to get your glutes going for the perfectly peachy pic.
A lecture hall
Let’s face it, the Cambridge curriculum severely lacks a class on how to take a 1080p, high-res, subtly filtered picture of your arse for the national press. So what better way to make this statement than showing the establishment how it’s done.
Said nobody ever.
Your DoS’s office
The Tab in no way condones you breaking into your DoS’s (or indeed anyone’s) office. But if you happen to find it unlocked, don’t hesitate to show off your assets while you fight back the tears at the poor quality of your latest supervision work. Extra points for aesthetics of their bookshelf.
The intrepid voyage to the dark side of town (remember your passports, kids) is the perfect way to pump up your peach before you release it to the public eye. For the uninitiated – the food at Sesame is an unforgettable experience. A plate of high-fat chef’s special chicken noodles will give you all the energy you need to endure a gruelling posterior photo shoot and you can reward yourself with a splash of Tesco’s zesty white when you’re done.
So if you fancy being the owner of the most famous bum in Cambridge, send your submissions to [email protected] by 11th November. Fortune and glory await you.