Which Katy Perry song is your college?

It’s back. I know you missed it.

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With lyrics as profound as ‘I saw a spider. I didn’t scream’, Katy Perry is as close as we’re going to get to a modern Shakespeare.

As she gears up to release her fifth album, let’s take a look at how her songs were definitely written with Cambridge’s colleges in mind.

‘Waking Up In Vegas’ – John’s

‘We need a taxi cos you’re hungover and I’m broke’ said no one at John’s ever

Money, money everywhere. There’s no doubt that John’s, and those at John’s, are absolutely loaded. I mean, they’re the only college to have their own signet ring for a start. Shut up and put your money where your mouth is – probably lining the trust fund that your investment banker father created for you.

‘Hot n Cold’ – Fitzwilliam

‘You’re up and you’re down’ the hill, more like…

Fitz isn’t in town, but it’s also not that far out. It’s neither one nor the other – hot nor cold. It’s just a bit ‘bleh.’ Also, going back there for a one night stand is a big no no – “you don’t really want to stay” because it’s really ugly, but then “you don’t really want to go’ because of the trek back.

‘One of the Boys’ – Murray Edwards

There’s no place like dome, right?

Soz Medwards gals, but you’ll never be one of the boys because there are none there.

‘Thinking Of You’ – Girton

‘I am thinking of you, what you would do if, you were the one who was spending the night’ – go to Durham maybe?

With a journey into town that Google Maps estimates at a lengthy 14 minutes, you’ve got to feel a little bit sorry for Girtonians. They don’t even get to vote for Cambridge’s MP because they’re so far away. Although, with all that cycling, they’re bound to have #quadgoals, right?

Downing – ‘Starstruck’

‘L O V E is just another word’ for Downing?

Downing is so beautiful it would make anyone who looks around it Starstruck.

‘I Kissed a Girl’ – Peterhouse

Peterhouse: it’s old, but it’s still gold.

‘I Kissed A Girl’ was Perry’s first song. Peterhouse was Cambridge’s first college. It’s meant to be. And, if you’re part of the secret Adonian society, you wont know the ‘taste of her cherry chapstick’ because you’re too busy getting with old male fellows in the deer park.

‘Not Like The Movies’ – Trinity Hall

Looks like the location manager made a bit of a ‘tit up’ on this one…

Even though Stevie H did his PhD at Tit Hall, 2014’s ‘The Theory of Everything’ filmed all the scenes at John’s. TFW when you look around Tit Hall expecting it to be John’s, but realising its actually just a shit version of Trinity tucked away behind all the bigger and better colleges on King’s Parade.

‘Ghost’ – Churchill

Churchill: haunting the aesthetic of Cambridge since 1958

Does anyone even know where Churchill is? Or anyone from it? Case closed.

‘Chained To The Rhythm’ – Christ’s

Not even Jesus had to put up with as much suffering…

More like ‘chained to your library desk’ if the reports about the strict Senior Tutor are true, Christ’s has a rep for being academic and intense, averaging 3rd on the Topkins Table over the past 20 years.

‘Bon Appetite’ – Pembroke

‘Cause I’m all that you want boy, all that you can have boy’

Pem’s (overrated) brunch and formal are renowned in Cam for being one of the best, inciting the jealousy of every other college in Cambridge. Bon appetite baby indeed.

St Catherine’s – ‘Firework’

‘You’ve just got to ignite the light, and let it shine’ (out of the only college in Cambridge with an open court)

Catz has a wheel on its logo. A Catherine Wheel is a type of firework. Makes sense…

‘E.T.’ & ‘If We Ever Meet Again’– Homerton

A rare picture of a Homerton student

A double whammy. Homerton students live so far out, its like a whole other world, a different dimension. Plus, those at central colleges, good luck keeping up friendships with Homertonians unless you enjoy spending most of your time on a bike.

‘Wide Awake’ – Selwyn

‘I’m wide awake, and now it’s clear to me’ that I should have applied to Selwyn

Literally next door to Sidgwick, arts students at Selwyn won’t be losing any sleep travelling to lectures. Frankly, if you’re an Engling, Historian, Lawyer or Classicist at Selwyn there’s no need to set your alarm before 8.54am.

‘This Is How We Do’ – Caius

‘This is how we do, do, do, do, do, this is how we do’

Although students might tell you it’s no big deal, it’s no big deal, Caius has weird canteen arrangements meaning you have to eat in hall a certain number of nights a week. It’s unapologetic in its ritualistic traditionalism, and it doesn’t look like it’s about to change any time soon.

‘Dark Horse’ – Jesus

I mean, I like Jesus’s art, but sometimes they need to ‘rein’ in the extravagance

Jesus literally has a dark horse on one of its lawns.

‘International Smile’ – Clare

Hopefully all the students can see ‘Clarely’ now all the tourists have gone…

A spot of irony. Because, of course, Clare is not one to smile at the international tourists, banning the public from entering the college after reports of them entering students’ rooms last term.

‘Unconditionally’ – Magdalene

‘There is no fear now, let go and just be free’… until your next essay crisis

My own college, I will love you unconditionally Magdalene, even if the new one pound coins don’t work in the washing machines…

 ‘Part of Me’ – Corpus Christi

Corpus is one of the smallest colleges at Cambridge, but there’s always a part of me that wishes I was there: I mean, who wouldn’t want to walk the same hallowed corridors as Kevin McCloud from Grand Designs.

‘Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F)’ –  Sidney Sussex

‘Always say we’re gonna stop-op woah’ but can’t stop, won’t stop the sesh

I’m sure there’s a stranger in your bed most nights when your accommodation is literally above Life. It’d be hard not to venture into the unconditioned, sweat-lathered dungeon at least once in a while…

‘The One That Got Away’– Emma

‘The One That Got Away’ from Trinity 6 years in a row

Averaging near the top of the Tompkins Table, Emma has just missed out on the top place over the past 6 years. In another life, maybe it could repeat its success from 2010 and beat Trinity to the pinnacle?

‘California Gurls’ – Newnham

‘Sun-kissed skin’: if only Cambridge actually had sun…

I know a place, where the grass is really greener. And its not Medwards, because their lawn has been picked to death by crows. You could travel the world, but nothing comes close to Newnham’s ladies, who are so hot they’ll melt your popsicle, and give you knowing stares as you try to sneak out of the college’s never-ending corridor the morning after.

‘Roar’ – King’s

Does anyone at King’s have a bad heir day?

Something in me feels King’s has never been the college to have sat quietly, agreed politely. Much like Perry’s anthem, it’s big fuck-off chapel isn’t one to be discreet, and it loudly and proudly shows off its greatness.

Birthday – Queens’

I like birthdays as much as the next person, but too many can kill you…

Queens’ is a really nice-looking college, so studying there makes it like your birthday every day. 

If You Can Afford Me’ – Robinson

I’d rather just get free board and lodging at Alcatraz

Widely rumoured to be one of the most private schooled colleges, Robinson doesn’t get you the best bang for your buck: residence charges start at £160 a week and go up to £240. That’s a lot for basically living in a red prison.

‘Teenage Dream’ – Trinity

Every students’ dream: to have crippling stress and anxiety

Let’s be honest, Trinity is the big dawg of Cambridge colleges. It’s the one everyone really wanted to go to when they were younger, until you realise it has unfriendly porters, is full of mathmos and tourists, and is really, really intense. “Let’s run away and don’t ever look back’ anyone?

So, there you have it. The definitive list of how Katy Perry songs relate to Cambridge colleges. I’m sure you ROARed with laughter… Now get back to work.