The different types of college marriage you’ll see this Valentine’s Day

Roses are red, violets are blue,
My dreams are dead, I’ll make do with a 2:2.

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Cambridge is a place rife with little quirks and traditions, among them the whole idea of college marriages. Why we choose to commit to an entire family life when we can’t even look after ourselves is beyond me, yet so many of us choose to take the leap.

From thriving to barely surviving, here’s a list of all the different college marriages you’ll come across this Valentine’s Day:

The hopeless romantics

Probably English students divinely inspired by Shakespeare’s love sonnets, these college couples are the envy of us all. They are Cambridge’s modern-day John Miltons and George Byrons, probably spending their Valentine’s Day on a romantic punt along the Backs reciting poetry and feeding each other strawberries with a bottle of Sainsbury’s finest Prosecco.

For lunch they’ll probably take a romantic stroll to Pembroke where they sample the genius of this college’s Michelin star chef, and for dinner they’ll most likely dine in style, eating a platter of swan amongst the fellowship of St John’s.

Everyone loves to be wined and dined

Their proposal was most likely the talk of college, taking the idea of a pidge literally by sending their college beloved a fancy ring (most likely a John’s signet ring) via carrier pigeon. That’s if St John’s hasn’t already eaten them all and cleared out the entire Cambridge population… (Disclaimer: this wasn’t meant to be a John’s hate piece).

On those cold winter days in your terribly heated accommodation, these are the couples who’ll make each other hot chocolate and sit by the imaginary fire that is a cheap fan heater from Argos. (Seriously, someone please come fix my heating.)

Incestuous couples

When you know your college family is the best in Cambridge, who would want to dilute the gene pool? Sure it’ll mean your college children arriving in October looking like Charles II of Spain, but everyone needs a bit of college drama to survive the first few weeks.

Cambridge alone is enough to give any poor fresher an identity crisis, and it only gets worse when you no longer know whether you should call your parent ‘mum’ or ‘aunty’.

Yet with so many royals having studied at Cambridge, it’s only fair to continue with tradition. If nothing else, it makes Cambridge seem a little bit like an episode of Game of Thrones. Not that it needed it.

The disasters

These college couples desperately try to emulate the air of perfection created by the hopeless romantics, and yet fail at every single step. These are most likely the same people who seem to always have a midnight essay crisis and spend their time giving each other nervous breakdowns. God help their poor fresher children.

In complete contrast to the hopeless romantics, this couple spends their punt ride giving each other shots from a bottle of Sainsbury’s Basics vodka. Every time your punt guide tells a Cambridge-related porky, drink. Soon all those missed deadlines and essay crises just become one big distant memory.

Alcohol makes the heart grow fonder

This couple’s idea of a romantic dinner is returning to where it all began – a drunken night at Spoons. Besides, surely one of the biggest advantages of sharing assets as a couple involves splitting a few woo woo martinis? They’re doing something right, at least.

Anyway, a proposal at Danger Spoons wouldn’t be such a bad thing – cheering crowds of townies is just what a nervous on-the-edge fresher needs…

Love them or hate them, these college couples bring the life to Life. University wouldn’t be the same without them.

The ‘fuck society’ couples

Freshers who feel a burning desire to change the status quo, these college marriages (or insert any fitting label here) are a bastion of Cambridge’s progressive movement. Whether they be LGBT+, group marriages or single self-lovers, they are probably the happiest people in Cambridge.

Nobody wants the drama of a college divorce – why not just have multiple partners instead? If nothing else it’ll definitely help to strengthen the familial atmosphere in college.

Celebrating LGBT History Month (credit Fergus Egan)

At a university which often becomes incredibly stuffy with tradition and custom, these college couples really help to give an air of freshness and vitality.

Have fun with college marriages – experiment and find new limits. But whatever you do, just don’t marry the college cat.