Realistic New Years Resolutions for world weary Cantabs

No more champagne, the fireworks are through. The new year is upon us, and with it the expectation to stick to impossible resolutions.

And yes, I suppose marathon running is a perverted kind of fun, but most of us want to stay on good terms with Mr Kipling. Why not commit yourself to something less taxing…

Breathe real air 

A tough one, I know. You might be at Cambridge, but don’t fall into the trap of feeling you need to inhale book dust forever. No one likes a library squatter. Also, library coughers earn nothing but the collective loathing of the college community. If you really want to do nothing but cough go outside and have a cigarette.

Don’t get sucked in

Sleep

Another toughie, but one that is easy to forget in your ever busy life of work/exercise/work/cindies/work/formal/work/cry/work some more. It’s fair to say that Cambridge suffers quite a serious case of competitive insomnia. But this is a barbaric attitude that need not hold the Cambridge population captive any longer. Make your resolution to simply go the fuck to sleep.

No caption necessary

Date

Life is fast, life is furious, but that doesn’t mean to you need to be found watching Fast and Furious 7 alone in a dark room slurping spaghetti hoops on Valentine’s day. New Year means new love, and with RAG blind date coming up there is no excuse. 2017 is the year you stop eating the microwave meal for 2 over two separate meals. This is the year you stop finding Bridget Jones all too real. Time the Bridge of Sighs loses all its meaning.

Escape the clique 

Had a blast in your first term? Found an absolutely fab groups of around 5-12 people who you intent to exclusively speak to during your next three years? Chances are you’ve found your clique. There’s nothing wrong with this- we all have our own crowd. Having a rad group of mates shouldn’t stop you from branching out though. New Year doesn’t necessarily mean new mates, but people outside your Whattsapp group chat won’t bite.

Don’t let the clique constrict you

Become a BNOC

The Beverly Hills of university lyf, BNOChery is not for the feint hearted, but it is for the validation needy. 2017 might be your year to become President of the Union, ADC megastar or University Challenge internet sensation. And, if you play your cards right, you might find yourself atop a certain list.

BNOChery hasn’t got room for everyone

Meme big

One welcome highlight of 2016 was the triumph of memes in the popular zeitgeist. Memes have taken Cambridge by storm, permeating every laptop screen in every library in every college. 2017 is your opportunity to embrace memeology. Read memes, make memes, become a meme! Your essay may be crushing your soul but a meme will pull you through, or just feed the inevitable and all consuming pull of procrastination.

Just a spoonful of meme helps the medicine and crippling workload go down

Attitude of Gratitude 

You might live in a tower, but it doesn’t need to be made of ivory. Complaining about cyclists, the club scene, your bedder, or the disappointing quality of the salmon mouse at your fourth formal of the week might be the standard lingo, but from the outside its sounds like you’re selling your soul to the stereotype. There are frankly bigger fish to fry right now.

2017 might be the year you wake up and smell the coffee (probably in Cafe Nero) and realise that despite its faults, Cambridge is a very special place.