Lectures, libraries, and ‘lims

How to make it seem like you actually spend time working whilst here.

With exams term getting into full swing, and lectures, libraries and prelims replacing disappointing club nights, why not revise some etiquette?

There’s no definitive source on etiquette for these quiet places, but here are a list of DOs and DON’Ts that most people seem to follow.

DON’T make loud noises. Nobody really wants to hear about you crying to a parent on the phone, or your culturally appropriated reggae music blasting from your headphones.

DON’T snore loudly. Revision can indeed be boring, but impersonating a vuvuzela whilst you take a study nap will make you about as welcome as these ghastly items were at the time of whichever football cup they were used for.

You might be good at revising, but try not to blow your own trumpet in the library

DO get settled as quickly as possible. Try not to fidget, creak your chair, or go to the lavatory every few minutes – it’s just taking the piss.

DO have cough medication and a handkerchief if you’re ill. Whether your throat is sore from a coccus infection, or a cock affection the night before, make sure you bring enough lozenges and a handkerchief to stop your sniffling and coughing for the sake of others.

DON’T try and look pensive. You’re most likely struggling to comprehend some basic lecture notes rather than earning a Nobel prize so there is no need for you to pose over how much thinkng you’re doing. This is the academic equivalent of purchasing a fast car to cover up a small penis.

Snapchats with books don’t make you seem smarter to the rest of us.

DON’T leave a mess behind. It’s very inconsiderate to leave behind a mess for someone else to deal with. Do the responsible thing and make sure your man-servant clears up after you.

DON’T reserve a desk early in the morning by putting your stuff on it before breakfast. I’m all for BrExit if it means there won’t be the reserving of desks in the library like Germans do with sun loungers.

DON’T mutter to yourself whilst reading. Whilst it’s great that you’re showing the rest of us you’re smarter than the average ARU student and actually can use a book, we really don’t care.

DON’T watch television programmes where it’s in people’s eyelines. If you’re going to intellectually masturbate yourself and remove the exam term feelings of guilt you get from procrastinating by doing it in the library, then please be considerate of others. Those of us with good taste kouldn’t kare less about “Keeping up with the Kardashians” out of the korner of our eyes as we revise, so be konscientious and sit in a corner.

“Kim, there’s people that are revising”

DON’T bash away on your computer’s keyboard. Cambridge already has enough bashing from The Daily Wail without you adding to it.

DON’T spread yourself out over the desk. The library is a #SafeSpace for learning and doesn’t need you manspreading, or shebagging all over the place.

DO make sure you wash. This recommendation will probably fall on the deaf ears of MathMos, but for the love of God make sure you shower daily. Wether it be in the shower at home, outside in the rain, or with “typical white tears” doesn’t matter, just please wash.

DON’T take off your shoes. In some of Islamic culture taking off shoes signifies respect for the place of worship…. and that’s wonderful, and we should respect cultural differences and customs.

Facebook and Charlie Hebdo have taught me that I shouldn’t make this joke.

DON’T use twenty pens if you’re going to make a noise whilst switching between them. It can be very irritating to hear people picking up and dropping pens constantly, so try not to change pens as much as Donald Trump changes his policies.

DON’T have your phone on loud. You should keep your phone like some of the Middle East keep their women; silent. This analogy only goes so far – I wouldn’t recommend purchasing a burka as your next iPhone case.

DON’T eat loud, or pungent food. Nobody likes to hear you eating, and in fact, I would recommend something like tunafish, or even kale, which are brain foods; just some food for thought.

Having now learnt about the etiquette of libraries, lectures, and ‘lims, what’s there to stop you from studying?