Which party knows how to party?

The election campaign’s been dragging on for quite a while now.

Most of us are sick of hearing about the same old ‘long term economic plan’ and ‘cost of living crisis’. People want to know about the policies that matter and find out what the parties have to say on Britain’s most pressing issues.

So I set out to discover who puts the ‘lash’ in ‘slashing government expenditure’, who’ll keep the ‘fun’ in ‘NHS funding’,  and (for those of you that way inclined) who likes the ‘high’ in ‘higher education fees’. In short, I want to know which party knows how to party.

Conservatives

The Tories won the support of pub-goers whilst in government, removing A WHOLE PENNY off the tax on beer. Now, you effectively get a free beer for every 250 you drink at the college bar. Don’t take that as a challenge. They also scrapped plans for minimum pricing per unit on alcohol, meaning you can still grab a bottle of Basics wine for £3.65. Essentially, the Tories took nine grand off you for your fees but they’ll probably make that up to you over the course of your degree with cheaper alcohol, or at least enable you to get so drunk that you forget how much debt you have. As for their drugs policy, the Tories favour the status quo, which seems hypocritical given the PM’s refusal to deny trying cannabis or cocaine.

Drink up chums

Labour

Ed’s being shifty on drinking: he objects to “high-strength, low-cost” alcohol, but minimum pricing is nowhere to be seen in the Labour manifesto. They’ve also attempted to channel Nigel Farage’s love for pubs, with the shadow pubs minister (is that a real job?) declaring he wants people to drink more in pubs and less at home. So say goodbye to getting tanked in your room before stumbling to Life, and say hello to the wonderful world of Wetherspoon’s. Labour’s drug policy mimics to Tories, which is unsurprising given that Ed Miliband hasn’t ever tried them, although he does assure us that he’s ‘read about cannabis’. Steady on Ed! In fairness to Labour, they have good ideas about tax breaks for festivals and the music industry, so it’s not all overpriced pints and books about weed.

Ed would rather we stuck to tea when at home

Lib Dems

Another leader jumping on the pub-loving bandwagon is Nick Clegg, who’s pledged to protect them from closure or conversion. He’s also promised to investigate the legalisation of cannabis, probably in order to alleviate the stress of working with the Tories for five years. There’s lukewarm support for minimum alcohol pricing from the Lib Dems as well, making this an area of potential agreement with their possible coalition partner Labour.

Coming to a College bar near you

UKIP

Predictably, Farage and co object to minimum alcohol pricing, and want to introduce smoking rooms at pubs. It’s not so much a manifesto as Nigel’s wet dream. Their drug stance is confusing: the party line is a tough one, but libertarian Farage and MP Douglas Carswell personally support decriminalisation.

Please Sir, I want some more

Greens

The clue is in the name. They continue to support cannabis decriminalisation, and want to end prison sentences for drug possession. Another party backing minimum alcohol pricing, the Greens would also like to see the back of horse racing. That might be a leap too far for many Grand National fans…

Fighting with Celebrity on their side

Essentially, the parties are offering us competing ideas of fun. With the Tories, you get cheap booze. Labour wants us in the pub, discussing the books about drugs that we’ve read (but not actually doing them). The Lib Dems wouldn’t mind the whole drugs in pub scenario, which is just as well as they want to make the drinks more expensive. UKIP want everyone to be Nigel Farage. And the Greens, well, like their green.

THE DECISION IS YOURS – VOTE WISELY.