What I say vs. What I mean

I’m smiling but I probably don’t mean it.

exam term irritating lol

I won’t lie and pretend that the internet hasn’t done this concept before. But it’s exam season so everyone is likely to be more irritable/ inwardly ruthless than usual.

As such, the family friendly nature of a typical article of this format simply won’t suffice. You can consider this an appropriately brutal alternative.

“You look tired” = You look like crap. I’m not kidding, it’s like you got hit by a bus. And then an ebola carrying sumo wrestler sat on you. And then spat in your face and took all your money.

Give up please

Blatantly hit by a bus


“That’s what I meant” = I haven’t got a fucking clue what you, I or anyone else just said. But you used a lot of 4 syllable words and it all sounded pretty legit, so I’ll pretend that I got there first.

“Sorry” = Rarely means sorry. Can mean any number of things – is widely varying and highly complex. Mostly used to draw attention to the fact that this situation is your fault not mine.

e.g. “sorry for the fact that you’re a dumb bitch”, “sorry for the fact that your body odour is repugnant enough that I actually had to relocate in the library”, “sorry for the fact that you walk slower than a stoned snail so I got the last can of coke and you’ve been left with a berry blast smoothie.”

“I’ll be there in 5”= I’ll be there in 10. Probably longer. In fact you know what, fuck it, we all know I’m not coming.

I'm er, stuck in traffic...

I’m er, stuck in traffic…

“Of course I remembered your birthday!” = On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being crystal clear recollection, and 10 the recall ability of a hungover goldfish, I’m way into triple figures.

“No offense/With all due respect” = Personally I avoid. Used generally by utter twats to highlight the fact that they are a) about to offend you and b) have every intention of showering you with a crippling insult or complaint about everything you hold dear.

“That’s cool” = If I had a cup that held all of my care, it would quite frankly be desert-like with the extent to which it was devoid of moisture. Because I give approximately 0 shits.

Stephen knows

Stephen knows

“Lol” = It’s unlikely that I actually laughed out loud. In fact it’s unlikely that I laughed at all. I probably didn’t even smile. But I’m sure whatever you said was vaguely amusing. Or it wasn’t. Or I didn’t even hear it. But ‘lol’ only has one syllable and I’m tired.

“Lol” (Version 2) = Used by confused, old people to mean ‘lots of love’. E.g. “Clive passed away last night, LOL – Granddad xx.”

Modern technology can be baffling

Modern technology can be baffling

“Lol” (on the end of an insult or criticism) = For people who don’t have the audacity for ‘no offense’ but still can’t say what they think without smothering it in irritating and unnecessary words.

“I’m fine” = According to cliché, particularly as I am a female (god so cryptic and hormonal ugh god), I’ll use this when I have an underlying concern or issue that I don’t want to say explicitly but want you to telepathically chance upon. A lot of the time though, I’ll say it because I’m honestly just fine.

“That’s…interesting?” = I am genuinely holding down a little bit of vom right now. If I actually liked you enough to tell you what I really thought then you would probably be crying at this point. I legit hate it. And in fact right now I hate you a little bit too.

“YOLO” = I’ll only live once. So I’m going to piss it away in whatever way I choose. Maybe I don’t want to wear a seatbelt – YOLO. Maybe I don’t want to eat my 5 a day – YOLO. Maybe I fancy walking on the grass – fucking YOLO. In reality, I can’t be arsed to consider the consequences of my actions and this is my way of justifying it.

Life as an outlaw

For when yolo is all you have left

So there you go – 100% accurate, bullshit defying, world class journalism.

By that, what I actually mean is that it’s at a push 12% accurate, clichéd student drivel with a healthy dose of gratuitous profanity.

Well done for making it this far.