What I say vs. What I mean

I’m smiling but I probably don’t mean it.

exam term irritating lol

I won’t lie and pretend that the internet hasn’t done this concept before. But it’s exam season so everyone is likely to be more irritable/ inwardly ruthless than usual.

As such, the family friendly nature of a typical article of this format simply won’t suffice. You can consider this an appropriately brutal alternative.

“You look tired” = You look like crap. I’m not kidding, it’s like you got hit by a bus. And then an ebola carrying sumo wrestler sat on you. And then spat in your face and took all your money.

Blatantly hit by a bus


“That’s what I meant” = I haven’t got a fucking clue what you, I or anyone else just said. But you used a lot of 4 syllable words and it all sounded pretty legit, so I’ll pretend that I got there first.

“Sorry” = Rarely means sorry. Can mean any number of things – is widely varying and highly complex. Mostly used to draw attention to the fact that this situation is your fault not mine.

e.g. “sorry for the fact that you’re a dumb bitch”, “sorry for the fact that your body odour is repugnant enough that I actually had to relocate in the library”, “sorry for the fact that you walk slower than a stoned snail so I got the last can of coke and you’ve been left with a berry blast smoothie.”

“I’ll be there in 5”= I’ll be there in 10. Probably longer. In fact you know what, fuck it, we all know I’m not coming.

I’m er, stuck in traffic…

“Of course I remembered your birthday!” = On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being crystal clear recollection, and 10 the recall ability of a hungover goldfish, I’m way into triple figures.

“No offense/With all due respect” = Personally I avoid. Used generally by utter twats to highlight the fact that they are a) about to offend you and b) have every intention of showering you with a crippling insult or complaint about everything you hold dear.

“That’s cool” = If I had a cup that held all of my care, it would quite frankly be desert-like with the extent to which it was devoid of moisture. Because I give approximately 0 shits.

Stephen knows

“Lol” = It’s unlikely that I actually laughed out loud. In fact it’s unlikely that I laughed at all. I probably didn’t even smile. But I’m sure whatever you said was vaguely amusing. Or it wasn’t. Or I didn’t even hear it. But ‘lol’ only has one syllable and I’m tired.

“Lol” (Version 2) = Used by confused, old people to mean ‘lots of love’. E.g. “Clive passed away last night, LOL – Granddad xx.”

Modern technology can be baffling

“Lol” (on the end of an insult or criticism) = For people who don’t have the audacity for ‘no offense’ but still can’t say what they think without smothering it in irritating and unnecessary words.

“I’m fine” = According to cliché, particularly as I am a female (god so cryptic and hormonal ugh god), I’ll use this when I have an underlying concern or issue that I don’t want to say explicitly but want you to telepathically chance upon. A lot of the time though, I’ll say it because I’m honestly just fine.

“That’s…interesting?” = I am genuinely holding down a little bit of vom right now. If I actually liked you enough to tell you what I really thought then you would probably be crying at this point. I legit hate it. And in fact right now I hate you a little bit too.

“YOLO” = I’ll only live once. So I’m going to piss it away in whatever way I choose. Maybe I don’t want to wear a seatbelt – YOLO. Maybe I don’t want to eat my 5 a day – YOLO. Maybe I fancy walking on the grass – fucking YOLO. In reality, I can’t be arsed to consider the consequences of my actions and this is my way of justifying it.

For when yolo is all you have left

So there you go – 100% accurate, bullshit defying, world class journalism.

By that, what I actually mean is that it’s at a push 12% accurate, clichéd student drivel with a healthy dose of gratuitous profanity.

Well done for making it this far.