WANTED: Cambridge’s new best bench

Students of Cambridge, The Tab needs you…

bench Cambridge

We are in the wake of a tragedy, but we cannot mourn forever. Like the phoenix, a new Best Bench must rise from the ashes of the last.

The has been a power vacuum at the top of the bench world for too long. Tit Wall has tried its best to lead in lieu of it’s superior, but its position is a shaky one, not commanding the full respect of the bench-loving community. It has already had to fight off a military coup d’etat from John’s bench and the attempted establishment of a People’s Republic by King’s.

Looks pretty Soviet anyway

One thing is clear – the position of “Best Bench in Cambridge” is up for grabs.

The Tab needs you to nominate a successor and bring stability to the bench world. A good bench will need to be:


We cannot have flimsy hack-jobs applying for Best Bench. These benches must be tough enough to deal with the queues of tourists that will inevitably want to sit upon them.

A sturdy and reliable frame


If Soviet propaganda taught us anything, it is that our leaders must look good in order to command the respect of their subordinates. Be sure to get a photo of your applicant from a good angle, showing off their curves and embellishments to their fullest extent – we are a tabloid after all.

Ooooh yeah…


This bench needs to be established. It needs to have a history, something that will make it reliable. We cannot risk a repeat of the chaos following the disappearance of the last.

Never again


Is yours a bench for lovers, or for quite study? For pondering the world or living life to the full? What message does it espouse? How will it make its sitters feel? What light can it bring to the existential void of our lives?

Send photos of your nomination – along with a brief description and why we should vote for it – to [email protected] before the 4th of March. The general election will take place on the 6th.

God speed. The future of benchdom rests in your hands.