Cambridge’s best bench DISAPPEARS

There’s panic on the streets of Cambridge

The Tab is extremely sorry to report that Cambridge’s official Best Bench, which stood by the ‘big pond’ in Emmanuel College, stands there no longer.

Gone, but not forgotten

The bench was something of a College treasure with tourists coming from all over the world to sit upon it’s sturdy frame. The admissions office claims that applications to Emmanuel tripled after its announcement.

The police are taking this case extremely seriously. The area around the pond has been cordoned off and an official investigation is underway.

The scene of the crime

The only eyewitnesses of the crime were the pond’s ducks, who have not been particularly forthcoming with information. The police are treating their silence as ‘suspicious’.

Slippery bastards

Students at Emmanuel are understandably devastated.

“Students have gathered round the hallowed spot where the bench once stood” Erenie Burgess, first year historian at Emma, tells The Tab tearfully.

“Where will friendships be made? Where will great ideas be thought? Where will love be had? Nowhere, that is where. You can take the bench out of Emma, but you can’t take Emma out of the bench.”

Wait… what?

Gardeners are equally confused. They tell me that four years ago a bench was stolen from the Fellow’s Garden and that perhaps this is a repeat offence. They pointed out a number of other benches in the college grounds, but they are poor substitutes.

Luke Heppenstall-West, who nominated the bench in the first place, is deeply shaken.

‘It’s been a very tough few days. I feel so guilty – I encouraged people to go dogging on that bench, maybe if I hadn’t it would still be there.”

Tit Hall Wall is, as far as we know, still standing.

Luke is also another suspect in the police’s inquiry, as they accuse him of stealing it because he “doesn’t know when to let this one die”.

Perhaps we will never know what happened. What we do know is that an integral part of Cambridge has been taken from us, and the city will not be the same again.

If you know anything about the whereabouts of this bench, email [email protected].