Cambridge according to people who don’t go there

Christmas is over and, much as I love being at home, the novelty of the holiday is wearing off.

Alright, so I can lie in til 3. I’m not constantly worrying about my next essay. My ego isn’t taking continuous batterings from a supervisor. But I’ve found coming home from my first term quite isolating – so much has happened, but it’s very difficult to talk to anyone about it!

Fundamentally, my friends just don’t get the Cambridge experience: the only people who do go there themselves. However, instead of moping about angstily because nobody understands me and crossing off the days until the start of term, I decide to do a bit of investigative journalism and find out what the hoi pol… I mean, other people, actually think Cambridge is like.

“Describe the Typical Cambridge Student”

“Bright, but mainly dedicated- don’t necessarily see them as more intelligent than other students, just more committed to academia.” – Sophie, Leeds University.

“Rich, White, probably Tory or worse; UKIP. One in Ten has a picture of William Hague on their wall” Charlie, Newman University.

“There are probably two typical Cambridge students: the super nerd and the arrogant, self-entitled one who believes they are better than the rest of the world” Callum – Cambridge applicant/wannabe. He looked at me directly when he said the last sentence. Prick.

“Lanky and blonde, posh. Private or grammar school educated” Maya, not going to university.

“Describe the Typical Cambridge Day”

“Lanky blonde posh people talking about politics and literature” Maya.

“Don’t you have to wear gowns all day?” – Holly, Aberyswth.

“Get up early, have fancy-ass breakfast featuring at least one component which I haven’t heard of, then go to lectures somewhere modern but grand. Then lunch (see breakfast) and in the evening go out and spend more on alcohol than I spend on anything in a week and talk about one friend who’s ‘literally wasted’” – Joe, doing a music course somewhere. Probably some kind of Anarchist.

“What do students do for fun?”

“Hmm, cricket? Or croquet… No, I think they probably go to the pub or go on a night out like everyone else, but then there’s the added ‘intellectual’ fun like debating and political societies” – Jack, Nottingham Trent.

“Smashing up posh restaurants then paying for the damages. Wait. Wrong uni. Punting? Bops?” Laura.

“Getting wasted to take their minds off work” Maya.

“How do they flirt?”

“Say something witty and talk about ‘important issues’ then be like ‘yeah I totally concur, we think so alike’” Jack.

“The stereotypical one will boast about their sporting achievements and suggestively reference boating. The normal ones probably flirt awkwardly, but trying too hard to be awkward, like Jess from New Girl. Not that I watch New Girl. It’s lame.” Joe.

“‘hey there serf! Look at the size of my wallet! Let’s fuck!!’” Callum, a man who perfectly understands the art of seduction.

“What are they like in bed?”

“One of two types: either into some really weird shit due to an overly structured life so all the repressed fantasies come out, or very awkwardly British about it making as little noise as possible” Dan, Sixth Former in Birmingham.

“Pretending to be all laddish and confident but quite shy underneath” Holly.

“if my experience of Oxford is anything to go by, shit!” Sophie, who has slept with someone from Oxford.

“Adequate, the experience is always going to be nicer given the smooth expensive duvets on their beds” Charlie.

“What’s the worst thing about Cambridge?”

“It’s a bit of a bubble, I don’t think many people there would be in touch with the ‘real world’” Jack.

“It’s not as good as Oxford” Charlie.

“the fucking stupid traditions, like wearing poncy shit for meetings. That would physically hurt me.” Joe.

“What’s the nightlife like?” Not that I put these two questions together on purpose…

“Expensive and not much variation, apparently drug use is significantly higher in Oxbridge because of the repressed lives they have. I imagine a lot of black-tie events with formal balls when given the chance” Dan.

“Probably much classier than an inner city ex-polytechnic, the kind of place where you wouldn’t see a drunk guy leaning up against a door whilst pissing” Charlie, who goes to an inner city ex-polytechnic where that sort of thing evidently happens.

“Not your typical clubbing atmosphere where you try and get as smashed as possible… More of a merry drink with your pals down the pub” Jack.

“Finally, What’s the Difference Between Oxford and Cambridge?”

“Oxford tend to be up themselves, Cambridge students know they’re brilliant but don’t bang on about it as much” Sophie*

“Oxford is shitter” Callum*

“I think Oxford is more old fashioned and stuff maybe, and might have a higher percentage of people I hate, but apart from that, the difference is that Oxford hates Cambridge, and vice versa, even though they are fundamentally very similar” Joe. He then left to start the revolution with his good friend Russell Brand.

* I did not pay either of them to say this 

So there you have it. I can now continue with my holiday smug in the knowledge that they’re all wrong, but also sort of right…