Which Love Actually character is your college?
Christmas is TOMORROW and chances are the annual viewing of Curtis’s classic has already taken place…
Churchill – Keira Knightley
They think they’re super desirable but really they haven’t got their teeth sorted out yet and they’re too modern to have gained any real distinction in comparison to the rest of the cast.
Fitzwilliam – AntorDec
Where even is Fitzwilliam? Who actually studies there? All good questions. Sharing a name with Cambridge’s go-to museum and a ‘fitz’ with its reputable Chelsea Bun manufacturer, the spawn of this nebulous college have a pretty hard time establishing themselves on campus.
King’s – Keira Knightley’s actual husband
Smug, stable and trendy, they play it kool and everyone secretly begrudges them it.
St John’s – Secretary bug-eyes
Desperate for trinkets with unjustifiable confidence in their sex appeal, these students are neither sexy nor does their trinket garnering do anything to enhance their levels of affability.
Cat’s – Carol-Ann
*Sigh*…[Cat’s is] the hot one.
Emma – Colin Frissell
Their efforts to get laid come across as basic and comically see-through. How did they even get past the interview?
Trinity – Colin Firth’s brother
Brutally ruthless with slick charm, they’ll fuck you over without a second thought and fuck your girlfriend while they’re at it. Why not? It’s Colin Firth’s fault for eating those croissants.
Homerton – Natalie
So far away that they can fulfill their weekly exercise recommendation without anyone so much as mentioning Greg Hill’s gym. Sadly these facts do not seem to result in anyone viewing them as anything other than fat, fat, fat. “Skinny shaming” my (sizeable) arse: in your dreams, Homerton!
Peterhouse – Mr Bean
Forever sent up by the rest of the Cambridge population, Peterhouse simply could not give two tiny shits. Proud to be kooky, kooky to be proud.
Magdalene – Bill Nighy
Why not cover up rubbishy mainstream songs with more rubbishy mainstream songs? Booze-fueled and fabulous, people are constantly asking why they’ve ‘sold out’. Question: where is the fun in selling in?
Downing – Emma Thompson
Earnest people and always straining.
Queens’ – Just Judy
They’re fresh-faced, wholesome, and really just want to make everyone feel as comfortable as possible even (especially) in awkward sexual situations.
Jesus – the spirit of ‘Blue’
Similar to Queens’ but with darker undertones, and more likely to end up on Eurovision.
Corpus – Keira Knightley’s stalker
They will forever attempt to forcefully incorporate themselves into the body of winners but ultimately be sent away with a false and inexplicable sense of satisfaction.
Pembroke – Colin Firth
Sexy in a distinguished, intellectual way but questionable moral compass when put under a microscope.
Robinson – Martin Freeman
Slightly on the edges, tentatively dipping their toes into Uni life… but keepers in the long run with a laid back type of humour.
Clare – Karl
Vaporous vanillapods with a great exterior. Check out their gardens.
Wolfson – Bill Nighy’s manager
They get rebuked constantly for being old and behind time, but when push comes to shove prove themselves endearing to say the least.
Tit Hall – Sam
Immature and waaay too keen, this little college is still allowed a lot of screen time and will grow up to great things.
Medwards – Laura Linney
Is that a MAN? How do I talk to him?? Reckon if I put on some make up and just sit, watching, he’ll eventually crack and have babies with me?
Girton – the sweet ass DJ
I mean; they just have a bit of fun with it now don’t they? We may point out that they don’t live in Cambridge, but, you know, they have their own swimming pool. They just like to play Puppy Love and bask.
I don’t care if you all feel awkward: I’m having a blast.
Gonville and Caius – Alan Rickman
Oozing Slytherin no matter what context they’re put in.
Selwyn – David Beckham’s left foot
I almost forgot to put them in.
Sidney – Octopus
Wanna move out the way so Hugh and Natalie can talk serious? No? They cramping YO’ style, not the other way ‘round. You just sit there looking adorable, Sidney. I hope they don’t break your tentacles.