Cambridge’s Most Eligible Bachelor: Week 5

Reading last week’s comments, it became apparent to me that somehow the secret has got out and my fans have discovered that I have indeed been cast in the upcoming Hobbit 4 movie.

In response, I had a quick chat to Jacko (that’s what we call Peter Jackson on set) and he said that it would be alright for me to share a teaser of the screenplay.

—

Frodo: What the buck…leberry ferry! Who are you! And what on Middle Earth are you doing in my bedroom!?? Don’t you have the decency to knock!

ZBH: Sorry Frodo, but we have little time to waste. I am ZBH and I am from the future.

[Frodo dismounts Galadriel, climbs out of bed and covers his decency with a cloth. Meanwhile Galadriel, in her semi-naked state, looks seductively into the eyes of ZBH]

Frodo: The future! What? And, wait, how do you know my name?

ZBH: It’s a long story Frodo, but essentially I’ve been sent back here to prevent darkness spreading over Middle Earth once more. And I need your help Frodo.

Frodo:  Oh no. I’m good here thank you very much. No more adventure shenanigans for me.

ZBH: But Frodo… it’s Sam. Sam is in trouble.

[Frodo gasps and does that swallowing thing that people sometimes do when they hear bad news]

Frodo: Not my beloved Sam…

—

[Scene change: Frodo and ZBH arrive on horseback to the Shire. A Rather portly Sam appears, holding two babies in each arm]

Sam: Mr Frodo!

[Sam drops babies to the floor and rushes forward to greet Frodo]

[They lovingly embrace]

Frodo: It’s okay Sam. I’m here now.

[Sam’s wife appears, holding a freshly baked pie whilst simultaneously breastfeeding two more babies]

Sam’s wife: What’s all this commotion! My word is that you Mr Frodo?!

[Before Frodo answers, ZBH appears from behind his horse. Sam’s wife catches his eye and fixes his gaze seductively]

Frodo: Yes, Sam’s wife, I am back. ZBH summoned me from the Undying Lands to come here and rescue Sam.

[ZBH interrupts]

ZBH: Ummm sorry about that, Sam’s actually fine. I had to find a way to convince you to come.

Frodo: Wait thank goodness. So you’re okay then Sam my love?

Sam: Yes my beautiful Baggins, I am well. But there are much worse evils awakening in Middle Earth. Our great friend and now foe Gandalf used the fall of the enemy to establish a disguised imperialist agenda and mass capitalist conspiracy to rob the poor and feed gold coins to the super rich. 

[Frodo gasps and looks momentarily lost for words]

Frodo: Gandalf! 

Sam: Yes Mr Frodo. Gandalf! And it gets worse…

There has also been an influx of skilled migrant workers who have come here from the East and are now becoming employed here and boosting the local economy. But Gandalf and his cronies are spreading scaremongering propaganda which is making the good ol’ Shire folk turn on the Easties. Times are tough at the moment, and they speak different to us you see.

[Farmer Maggot appears suddenly from a nearby bush, waving around a near empty bottle of brandy, whilst removing a large carrot from his left ear]

Farmer Maggot [In a drunken slur]: They’ve taken all our jobs I tell ya!

[Farmer Maggot is ignored and then stumbles blindly into a nearby resting pony who kicks him in the midriff, sending him careering into a nearby pile of pony shit]

Sam: You see Frodo. It’s terrible here. See what Gandalf has done to us. Him and his pals are stealing all our corn! The greedy malevolent bastards.  And that’s not all!

Frodo: Gosh Sam you do use quite vulgar language sometimes!

Sam: Sorry Mr Frodo, but all this inequality makes my blood boil. And that’s not all neither. The snow on the misty mountains is melting. Melting! Next thing you know, we gunna be neck high in flooding. And I cant swim Mr Frodo. I CANT SWIM.

[Sam begins to cry, so Frodo caresses his head in his bosom]

Frodo: It’s going to be okay my sweet sweet Sam. But ZBH what are we to do? We are just small humble hobbits.

ZBH: first all we need to do is to make face masks of this guy who back in the 4^th age we burn an effigy of once a year.

Frodo: That seems rather barbaric but okay ZBH I trust you. Also now that I am rich and famous, and have already done loads of shagging, I could write a book about why we need this revolution. But first let me go grow lots of hair, and read a thesaurus so that I can impress people with words that no one understands. 

Sam [having regained his voice]: Great idea Mr Frodo! Let us move with haste, we must not give Gandalf time!

[Sam and Frodo run off, hand in hand, into the distance]

ZBH [watches them disappear over the hill and mutters to himself]: Ha. Gandalf the White, more like Gandalf the White-middleclass-Oxbridge-educated-man-in-the-establishment…

[Scene cuts to Gandalf sitting on top of a flying eagle snorting loads of coke]