Mystery drunk mower rampages over King’s lawn

Eyebrows have been raised over a change of direction in the maintenance of the lawns of King’s Backs. The grass, which has historically been mown in lines running parallel to the buildings, was mutilated over the past week to run half diagonally, half horizontally across the field.

The King’s landscape will never be the same again following this horrific act of grievous botanical harm

Initial explanations for this phenomenon were mixed, ranging from the belief that grass root radicals had finally mown down the old order at King’s, to the possibility of an attempt at crop circles — perhaps originating from the mystery-shrouded Applied Maths department. However, after days of copious investigation in the field The Tab has narrowed down the list of possible culprits to one: an axially challenged and probably inebriated mower.

They came. They saw. And they ravaged

These reports spring from a web of lies constructed by the dubious duo of the Senior Horticulturalist and Senior Groundskeeper who were contacted by The Tab by e-mail. The former engaged in a linguistic game of distraction by trying to convince The Tab that this process was called ‘scarification’ and not indeed mowing, whilst the latter attempted to confuse our fearless journalist with needless but affably earnest information about ‘the build-up of thatch’ and how precisely ‘to get a good healthy lawn’.

They sit on a throne of lies. LIES, WE TELL YOU

However, these homegrown ruses did not knock our resolved newbie investigator from her quest for the truth. A chance encounter with a hungover-looking fresher the morning following the incident left no room for doubt: “I woke up in the ditch outside Queens and saw something gyrating erratically around on the Downs next door to me.” Could it have been a cow? A confused porter? A pair of frisky freshers making the beast with two backs? “Nah mate, I shit you not, it was a lawnmower.” According to one second-year English student, “the hetero-normative nature of Oxbridge lawns has finally been exposed and King’s has taken the lead in accepting all lawn types: straight or not.” Kids: don’t drink and mow. — Disclaimer: some of this may possibly have been slightly exaggerated or warped for the purposes of comic effect. King’s gardeners are lovely lovely people and I suppose we’d better make it clear we’re not accusing them of being liars in any serious sense.