Mystic Malcolm Part II: your horoscope by subject

Welcome back, Tab readers, to my mystical abode. Last time I made some predictions, some of you got sad in the comments section because I had not covered your subject. Have no fear, friends, the inner eye cannot be rushed, but I will get around to taking the piss out of all of you in good time. So without further ado, here are my predictions for

ASNaC: the mystical spirit of the planets has never seen you and refuses to believe that you exist, ironically.

AMES: Saturn thinks you are punching above your weight. Don’t worry, your partner doesn’t agree. Although if they read this and then dump you, you are well shot of them. You’re welcome. Loneliness is fun anyway.

Not for you, AMES.

MML: You are going to have a really shit month, sorry. This is almost certainly because Jupiter in its ascendancy, not because there is someone doing MML who I really dislike and am taking passive aggression to the level of an art form.

LAW: This month you are the life and soul of the party. People will be queuing up to spend time with you since Mars’ movements mean that your already shining personality will be even more exciting. Oh wait, hang on… That isn’t Mars. My mistake.

HISTORY OF ART: Venus thinks you are really fit, but Mercury doesn’t get what she sees in you. You are a bit edgy for Mercury’s liking. Mercury is a big Cindies fan and likes it’s men with a bit more meat on them.

ENGLISH: Beware hard work. What’s that? Oh, as you were then.

LAND ECONOMY: Mercury thinks that the joke I’m about to make is just too easy. So Mercury and I are going to keep quiet, and walk away with some self respect.

It’s funny, because he’s a Land Ec.

EARTH SCIENCES: Ooh dear. The other planets aren’t happy. They feel like you haven’t been paying them enough attention. Good luck.

HISTORY AND PHILOSOPHY OF SCIENCE: The planets find your lack of commitment amusing, but accept that learning about them can be difficult, and should probably be left to experts like me. Don’t worry about it. If ever there was proof that you can still get employed despite having a dubious skill set, I am it.

So that’s all folks. Remember to keep watching the skies: you never know what dubious possibilities they might reveal. Or not. Either way, its probably more fun than actually focusing on your subject.